Bonney
Member
Registered: 14th Nov 04
Location: St Helens
User status: Offline
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Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled 'LSD'?"
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
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Bonney
Member
Registered: 14th Nov 04
Location: St Helens
User status: Offline
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The International Council of Man Laws.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are 'spit roasting' a woman.
28: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws
Mattk is screwed!!! 
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SVM 286
Member
Registered: 13th Feb 05
Location: pain
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Jakey
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox
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Baskey
Member
Registered: 31st May 06
User status: Offline
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after rapeing a paraplegic, why must you break her nose.
So she can't use it to dial 999
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SR91
Member
Registered: 21st Jun 08
Location: Lancashire.
User status: Offline
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Bump
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Paul_J
Member
Registered: 6th Jun 02
Location: London
User status: Offline
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again
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Hamish
Member
Registered: 4th Apr 05
Location: Ashtead, Surrey Drives: 100bhp Mint with Hole
User status: Offline
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What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gangrape 
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Ellis
Member
Registered: 11th Sep 07
Location: Aberdeenshire
User status: Offline
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What do you call a paraplegic in the sea?
Bob
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ash_gsi
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 08
Location: Newchapel, Stoke-on-Trent
User status: Offline
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a 15 yr old girl sits on santas knee and he asks ''what would you like for christmas?'' girl says ''some hair around my fanny please santa''. santa says ''would a white beard do?''
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FlaFFy_91
Premium Member
Registered: 30th Sep 08
Location: Formby, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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A man is walking his dog down the beach when he spots a girl with no arms and no legs crying her eyes out
He walks over to her and asks " why are you crying" she replies " well ive never been hugged" so the man feeling kind gives her a hug and goes to set off
He notices the girl is still crying so he asks " why are you still crying" and she replies " I've never been kissed" so the man again feeling kind leans over kisses her then goes to set off he notices the girl is still crying so be says " what's wrong now "
The girl replies " well I've never been fucked"
The man then picks her up and throws her into the sea and says " well your fucked now arnt you love"
[Edited on 23-02-2009 by FlaFFy_91]
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FlaFFy_91
Premium Member
Registered: 30th Sep 08
Location: Formby, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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Paddy and murphy get invited to a fancy dress party
The theme of the party is emotions
People dressed in red for anger
Green for jelousy
Everyone is shocked to see paddy walk in stark naked with his dick lodged in a pear followed by murphy with his dick in a bowl of custard
A woman asks them what they have come as
Paddy replies " oo well I'm deep in dis-pear" and murphy says " eye, and I'm fuckin dis-custard"
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Darkside-Dee
Member
Registered: 20th Jun 08
Location: Newcastle
User status: Offline
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In this news this morning there were reports about a jewish boy born without any eye lids, so the doctors suggested using his foreskin as a replacement ...
the boys mam was scared incase he became cock eye'd
 
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PaulW
Member
Registered: 26th Jan 03
Location: Atherton, Greater Manchester
User status: Offline
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A horny young lad called Dave
Dug up a prostitutes grave
She was mouldy and shitty
With only one titty
But think of the money he saved
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corsa_paz
Member
Registered: 5th Mar 04
Location: Midlands
User status: Offline
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whats black and blue and dont like sex?
A Rape Victim
Why can't black people be astronauts?
Because their lips pop at 50,00 feet
Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food?
Neither have they.
What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour.
How many white men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, white men will screw anything.
Why do niggers always have sex on their minds?
Because they have pubes on their heads!
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SR91
Member
Registered: 21st Jun 08
Location: Lancashire.
User status: Offline
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Whats the fastest thing on the planet?
An Ethiopian with a dinner ticket
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corsa - gus
Member
Registered: 8th Jan 07
Location: Aberdeen, Scotland
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Bonney66
Sticking a legal disclaimer on this site isn't going to stop anyone is it?
I mean, sticking a barbed wire fence at the bottom of the hill didn't stop Francesca did it?!
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Half Pint
Member
Registered: 25th Mar 02
User status: Offline
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what do you do once you've raped a deaf and dum girl....
Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum
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Half Pint
Member
Registered: 25th Mar 02
User status: Offline
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Whats the only part of a vegtable you cannot microwave....
the wheel chair!
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Half Pint
Member
Registered: 25th Mar 02
User status: Offline
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what's blue and does'nt fit?
A dead epileptic
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fazza
Member
Registered: 7th Feb 08
Location: Plymouth
User status: Offline
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bumpage
im bored and need entertaining
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mattk
Member
Registered: 27th Feb 06
Location: St. Helens
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by corsa_paz
Why do niggers always have sex on their minds?
Because they have pubes on their heads!
LMFAO!!!!!!!
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Matt L
Member
Registered: 17th Apr 06
User status: Offline
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the xbox one gets me
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jamied
Member
Registered: 27th Oct 03
Location: Marbella,Spain Drives: C63
User status: Offline
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A friend of mine got arrested the other day. Apparently sticking your dick in a copy of the Beano and having a wank is not classed as Comic Relief!
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Charlton
Member
Registered: 20th Mar 07
Location: Newcastle
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by DannyB
What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?
Deep Throat.
fucking hell
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Pip308
Member
Registered: 25th Oct 07
Location: Basingstoke Drives: Audi A4 Avant, Mk1 Caddy
User status: Offline
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my mate says sex is painfull
thats mace for ya
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