Registered: 16th Feb 09
User status: Offline
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.
Your through to PC World technical support how may I help you?
'I am having trouble finding the net' Okay sir no problem. Can I take your name sir. 'Yes. Its Fernando Torres'
Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."
The barman says, "That's not like you."
I've designed some three quarter length baby wear for black babies. They're called kneegrows
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was fucking skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach, I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood..
Wife says to husband "u only ever want sex when ur drunk"husband says "thats nt true....... sometimes i want a kebab"
A young Arab asks his father: -
What is this weird hat that we are wearing.
Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son?- Then, why the fuck are we living in Bradford?
My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails. A blackbird hasbig rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse
Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your fucking lot."
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.
He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"she does,"ok craw reery reery fast back"
As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man"
She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease"
Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse
Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the discovery channel.
A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike
A blind man went 4 a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.
They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time.
To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.
He sniffed & said he wasnít sure & asked 4 the 'wood' 2 b turned over, he sniffed again & said:
"You can't fool me, itís an old sh!thouse door off a fishiní boat!
Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"
A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this fuckin place!
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees, Apparently she'd stood him up
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says i canít find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?
Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours she appears out of fucking nowhere!
The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out .
They said they were delicious!