Fonz
Premium Member
Registered: 12th May 06
Location: Newbury, Berks
User status: Offline
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1, OPENING JARS - nnnnngg, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, 'Let's go' and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. 'Ooh, did it hurt'. 'Nah'.
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. 'Big night?' 'Grr, what does it look like!'
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. 'We've not seen eye to eye in the past', it says, 'but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line'.
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a cigarette? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p***ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying 'are you a leg or breast man' to the blokes and 'do you want stuffing' to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. 'alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya.'
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. 'Why was I off, oh nothing much, just third-degree burns'
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - 'a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?'
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.
 
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Ian W
Member
Registered: 8th Nov 03
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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RichR
Premium Member
Registered: 17th Oct 01
Location: Waterhouses, Staffordshire
User status: Offline
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I shall be partaking in 20 of the 24 of those this weekend;
However its all ruined by the fact that I'm willingly going to Ikea on Sunday morning 
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C2RL R
Member
Registered: 28th Mar 02
Location: Redcliffe, QLD
User status: Offline
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fucking hell i do loads of them on a regular basis. i thought i was cool.
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Jakey
Premium Member
Registered: 4th Jun 07
Location: Sandbach
User status: Offline
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some of them are awesome
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pow
Premium Member
Registered: 11th Sep 06
Location: Hazlemere, Buckinghamshire
User status: Offline
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20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.
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corsa - gus
Member
Registered: 8th Jan 07
Location: Aberdeen, Scotland
User status: Offline
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I love the son one
Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man 
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nathy_87
Member
Registered: 14th Aug 08
Location: West Mids. Drives: koda Fabia VRS 5J
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Lol. 8,18,21 & 23 apply to me
quite funny the other are.
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C2RL R
Member
Registered: 28th Mar 02
Location: Redcliffe, QLD
User status: Offline
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you don't know shit about screwdrivers
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myke
Member
Registered: 7th Feb 01
Location: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire
User status: Offline
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good everytime i see it
although i though it was going to say that you're not a real man untill you've split some dark oak.
[/monsters ball]
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dannymccann
Member
Registered: 9th Aug 06
Location: Doddington, Lincolnshire
User status: Offline
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Thats good, few of those apply to me too 
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Robbo
Member
Registered: 6th Aug 02
Location: London
User status: Offline
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old than father time but what a ripper
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liamgallagher1994
Member
Registered: 12th Aug 07
Location: Chesterfield Drives: JDM Honda Integra DC2
User status: Offline
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Quality
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Scotty_B
Member
Registered: 11th Jun 03
Location: East Kilbride
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by LiVe LeE
However its all ruined by the fact that I'm willingly going to Ikea on Sunday morning
Not a bad thing as if your buying furniture you'll feel like he-man when you try and muscle it onto the awkward trollies.
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Hammer
Member
Registered: 11th Feb 04
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Fonz
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p***ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
The old drunken welcome high 5s the lot, cannae beat it
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