Dee
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Registered: 19th Sep 01
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Cross-Country
Our school's zero tolerance policy towards PE kit offenders went too far when Richard Muchamore was forced to complete a cross-country run in his pants. No ten-laps-of-the-school-field for Richard - they sent him out into the world.
Given that the venue for our cross-country runs was the infamous 'cottaging' area of Hampstead Heath, London, the story of a 13 year old boy jogging up and down in a pair of Knight Rider Y-fronts might well have ended more messily than it did.
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willay
Moderator
Organiser: South East, National Events
Premium Member
Registered: 10th Nov 02
Location: Roydon, Essex
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gianluigi
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Registered: 9th Mar 05
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
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LoudandProud
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Registered: 12th Jan 01
Location: Stanway, Essex
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Dee
Banned
Registered: 19th Sep 01
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Dennis was told to leave Chemistry by Mrs Tench. For some minutes, he continued to pull faces and flip v-signs at the window. Mrs Tench announced, rightly, that he would get bored of his juvenile behaviour if we just ignored him.
Sure enough, he disappeared. Minutes later, he roared past the windows of the classroom in Mrs Tench's crash helmet, riding Mrs Tench's moped.
Mrs Tench remained admirably stoic throughout the incident, ignoring Dennis' antics until other teachers dismounted him mid-donut and led him away.
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Dee
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Registered: 19th Sep 01
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i fucked my sister
The brilliantly misguided defense used by a contemptible shit in my year by the name of Ben Wilbur, when encircled by a group of 12-year olds, doubtless virgins themselves, mocking him for not ever getting his oats.
He was roundly hated before he revealed he'd spaffed in his sister, but after that bullying efforts were trebled on the irritating twat (he used to get in your face and make a noise like Snarf out of the Thundercars, the cunt), culminating in the most astonishing display of mass youthful brutality I've ever seen, nay, been party to. To win some friends, he climbed onto the school roof one lunchtime to retrieve a football. Seeing him up there, prancing round like a cock, made some sort of collective tolerance get breached, and suddenly the hapless wank was bombarded with rocks – even the fucking prefects were joining in, loner girls who'd never been heard to speak were fucking pelting the git and baying for blood. Mad, sad, and a little frightening. The whole school got bollocked immediately after lunch in the only emergency assembly we'd ever had, with Ben getting carted off in an ambulace.
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Dee
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Registered: 19th Sep 01
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BEST STORY EVER
In our playground we had some rusty movable hooops, which we used to play netball or basketball with. One of the drawbacks was that occasionally the ball would become jammed up against the top of the basket, and whoever had thrown the ball would have to shin up and knock it back out again.
On one such occasion, Trevor Smith climbed up the pole and, after successfuly knocking the ball free, slid back down. However, he had forgotten that there was a hook designed to hold up a tennis net halfway down, which he duly impaled his nutsack on. In his obvious agony he let go of the pole and was left hanging only by his scrotum, about 5 feet from the ground.
I was one of the 20 or so boys who could do nothing but vomit as he flailed helplessly, emiting an ever increasingly high pitched scream until he was 'unhooked' by some teachers.
After a few weeks off school he returned with the imaginative nickname 'Womble' but frankly I would be suprised if anything had survived the rusty hook. Just writing this has chilled me to the bone(r).
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gianluigi
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Registered: 9th Mar 05
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
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omg
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Dee
Banned
Registered: 19th Sep 01
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A chap I knew at school put an advert in the local paper for an open-to-all wine and cheese evening at the private residence of Johnny Rogers, our head of sixth-form.
Imagine Johnny's surprise when three couples he didn't know interrupted his viewing of Top Gear by knocking at his door clutching Cabernet Sauvignon and a few pounds of Stilton.
I'd like to think he invited them in and made some new friends, but I suspect the world just doesn't work that way.
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Dee
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Registered: 19th Sep 01
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Once, we were in the changing room after a games lesson . For some bizarre reason, Steven Maule had taken off his kegs and left them on the floor. Upon further inspection, we noticed they were covered in skid marks. When challenged about this, young Mauley offered the following by way of explanation: "It's not my fault, my brother had them on yesterday".
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gianluigi
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Registered: 9th Mar 05
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
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PMSL
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Jamescorsa97
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Registered: 19th Aug 04
Location: Middlesbrough Drives: Cliosport 182
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Tell us a story jackanory!
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Dee
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Registered: 19th Sep 01
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The headmaster of my school, for reasons known only to himself, agreed to appear on a local radio phone-in one Sunday evening. Word had got around, so much so that almost the entire program was taken up of items like this:
Host: Our next caller is a Mr. Madeupname, of Kenilworth. Mr Madeupname do you have a question for Mr. Strover?
Caller: Fu... *cut off*
Host: Oh, that's just silly. Our next caller is a Mr. Obvious Pseudonym from Warwick. Mr Pseudonym?
Caller: Bas.. *cut off*
And repeat.
The only pupil who managed to get through was some utter keeno who had a real, and indescribably dull, question to do with school funding.
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gianluigi
Member
Registered: 9th Mar 05
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
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whats the link to this site please
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Dee
Banned
Registered: 19th Sep 01
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www.playgroundlaw.com
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Dee
Banned
Registered: 19th Sep 01
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Stephen was small and very thin - and anaemically pale. The only sport he had ever shown an interest in was wanking which he did with dutiful regularity and an intense frown that suggested it was a chore. He explained that he had to do it often to try and straighten his penis - which resembled a sea-horse.
His father, in a twisted attempt to 'make a man of him' bought him a boxing kit for his eleventh birthday which consisted of gloves, a punchbag and a red shiny dressing gown with 'Muhammad Ali - The Greatest' emblazoned in gold on the back. He wore it out to play.
Word spread like wildfire and within the space of a few hours children were being bussed in from surrounding towns just to punch him.
He stayed indoors for a long time afterwards; sitting sullenly in the kitchen wearing one boxing glove, passing the hours by gently punching a dish of cat food into a flat paste with one hand and wanking with the other
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j10E W
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Registered: 30th Sep 04
Location: maidstone
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amazing stories lol
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Dee
Banned
Registered: 19th Sep 01
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Any chase is demeaned to futile absurdity if observers shout "wacca wacca wacca", a la Pacman. It certainly worked when our Physics teacher was chasing Filthy Scott (so called because he would put his finger up his arse and wipe it on your blazer) around the lab. In the end he gave up and just threw wooden sink covers at him.
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Dee
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Registered: 19th Sep 01
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There is indeed one in every town. Ours was Hannaford, whose torments ranged from being forced (by verbal threats only) to masturbate during a maths lesson and eat the results, to the legendary crucifixion (to two cross-wise brooms while in only his Y-fronts, then hung out of a third floor window). He fucking loved every second of it.
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Tom
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Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
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 sick as fuck but fuck me very funny
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Dee
Banned
Registered: 19th Sep 01
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Double French is never a highlight of the week, unless a member of the previous class has left a pair of highly skidmarked girl’s underpants on the floor.
The true culprit was never discovered but kids need a victim, and that victim was Sylvia. As punishment she was shut in a classroom as we banged on the windows singing “Nicholas” (knicker-less, geddit?) and threw our (clean) gym knickers at the window
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--Dave--
Banned
Registered: 17th Feb 04
Location: Essssseeeeex Drives: Black Supra TT
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Liam
Member
Registered: 19th Jan 06
Location: Stafford
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quote:
Originally posted by Dee
Once, we were in the changing room after a games lesson . For some bizarre reason, Steven Maule had taken off his kegs and left them on the floor. Upon further inspection, we noticed they were covered in skid marks. When challenged about this, young Mauley offered the following by way of explanation: "It's not my fault, my brother had them on yesterday".
omfg
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Hammer
Member
Registered: 11th Feb 04
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quote:
Originally posted by Dee
Stephen was small and very thin - and anaemically pale. The only sport he had ever shown an interest in was wanking which he did with dutiful regularity and an intense frown that suggested it was a chore. He explained that he had to do it often to try and straighten his penis - which resembled a sea-horse.
Absolutely poetic
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--Dave--
Banned
Registered: 17th Feb 04
Location: Essssseeeeex Drives: Black Supra TT
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This was one of those terrible events that you piss yourself laughing about until the day you die. It occurred in my last year at high school, at our Sports Day held in the Queen Elizabeth II recreation centre.
Now, Hillmorton being the PC, progressive school that it is, we had a special unit on the school grounds for students that were severely physically and mentally handicapped. After the initial shock of having "them" in the school, people soon learned to capitalise on the humour element, as they had the habit of making loud mongoloid noises in school assemblies. Quite amusing.
Anyway, it was decided that, to be fair and equal, these students would have their own race... a wheelchair race, where able-bodied students would push the handicapped students along the track in front of the school. That was fine... everyone was sitting round going "isn't it good that they can take part, please have some of my fine sponge cake". And thus far, we had satisfied ourselves with laughing at one of the helpers pushing a wheelchair, who was hugely fat. However, we were to be treated to something deeply more.
To the absolute shocked amazement of everyone watching, one of the wheelchairs ran into a stone on the track. The wheel jammed and came to a sudden stop. The confused helper kept pushing, however, which lent an extra momentum to the handicapped girl, who was now sailing through the air.
She landed face first onto the hard track... and because she was so handicapped, she could do NOTHING to break her fall. This was the source of extreme tragedy, and consequently, humour. It all seemed to happen in slow motion... we saw her fly out of her chair, and do a graceful arc in mid-air and then slam heavily down onto the ground. There was a collective inward gasp amongst the crowd, and a rather shocked silence.
Then, to the disgust of the teachers who worked with the handicapped teens and who were now rushing in horror to the girl's side, the faint murmurs of laughter could be heard tittering round the place. With hindsight, something like this HAD to happen... and in a really unpleasant way, I'm glad it did.
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