Marc
Member
Registered: 11th Aug 02
Location: York
User status: Offline
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely...
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to
Hell where the devil is waiting for him.
I am not sure what to do" says the devil "You're on my list but
I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here I'm
going to have to let someone else go"
I have got three folk here who were not quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
even let you decide who leaves". George thought that sounded
pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a
large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and
over again. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said "I don't
think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that
all day long".
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the
hammer, time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my
shoulder. I would be in constant pain if all I could do was break
rocks all day". Commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton
lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his
legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and then
finally said. "Yeah, I can handle this".
The devil smiled and said
"O.K. Monica, you are free to go!!!".
A married couple in their 60s are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.
"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband", says the wife.
2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.
Husband says - "Sorry love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
So the fairy waves her magic wand and the husband becomes 92.
Moral of the story..............
Men who are bastards should remember - fairies are female!
If you've heard any before all complaints should be u2u'd to Cosmo. Thanks.
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Marc
Member
Registered: 11th Aug 02
Location: York
User status: Offline
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"A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that...
1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"
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All Torque
Member
Registered: 17th Nov 05
Location: Milton Keynes Drives: Ford Focus TDCi
User status: Offline
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Last one was funny.
U2Him sent anyway 
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Liam
Member
Registered: 19th Jan 06
Location: Stafford
User status: Offline
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 Mazin'
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woodywoods12345
Member
Registered: 24th Oct 05
User status: Offline
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After playing tennis a man decides to go for a jog, he gives the tennis racket back to the club and stuffs his tennis ball down his pants.
Halfway through his jog a blonde girl sees the bulge in his pants and says "whats that"
The man replies "a tennis ball"
To which the blonde replies "ouch that must b sore, i had tennis elbow once"
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