Liam
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Registered: 19th Jan 06
Location: Stafford
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Taken from another forum.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival
guide for taking a dump at the office.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
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VegasPhil
Premium Member
Registered: 16th Jan 05
Location: Fareham, Hants Drives: Octavia VRS
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PMSL  Never seen that before.
Corsa 2.0 16v Vegas - Sold
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TNM
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Registered: 5th Apr 04
Location: Nottingham Drives: VW Tiguan
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reeeeepost. do a search. That has been posted soo many times. At least twice a month.
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SXi_Tim
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Registered: 11th Mar 03
Location: South Yorkshire Drives: RS3, LET B
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Yes i have seen this numerous times on here 
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xxTreaclexx
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Registered: 7th Aug 06
Location: Filby, Norfolk
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Stil funny tho to ppl tht havent seen it..
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ClaireF
Member
Registered: 1st Nov 05
Location: hurlford, scotland Drives: corsa again
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i wouldnt even do a poop at work, its minging
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Marc
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Registered: 11th Aug 02
Location: York
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K2 GTi
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Registered: 21st Oct 04
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Eck
Premium Member
Registered: 17th Apr 06
Location: Lundin Links, Fife
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fpmsl never seen that before
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Liam
Member
Registered: 19th Jan 06
Location: Stafford
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quote:
Originally posted by TNM
reeeeepost. do a search. That has been posted soo many times. At least twice a month.
So...... Not everyone has seen it. 
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mwg
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Registered: 19th Feb 04
Location: South Lakes
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I hadn't seen it
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James
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Registered: 1st Jun 02
Location: Surrey
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This thread is shit 
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Sooty
Banned
Registered: 9th Mar 03
Location: FLAP CENTRAL
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fucking shit threads today
morons online no doubt
[Edited on 21-09-2006 by Sooty]
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Danny H
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Registered: 10th Feb 05
Location: Gilberdyke, E Riding of Yorkshire
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Which forum was this taken from mate?
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Liam
Member
Registered: 19th Jan 06
Location: Stafford
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Danny H
Which forum was this taken from mate?
mk3oc 
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chris-sri
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 05
User status: Offline
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I've not seen that before.
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nik
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 00
User status: Offline
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I can't shit anywhere apart from my own home.
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--Dave--
Banned
Registered: 17th Feb 04
Location: Essssseeeeex Drives: Black Supra TT
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I'm glad you don't shit in random locations
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nik
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 00
User status: Offline
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No - You didn't get what I mean. I have a court order for shitting in random locations - Old ladies front garden, super market aisle, middle of football stadium etc hence I'm only allowed to lay a brick in my own shitter
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