Teddy
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Registered: 19th Jul 04
Location: Northampton Drives: VW Bora 1.9TDi pd130
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Just to serve as a reminder:
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always
says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse
kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met
Chuck Norris.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a
fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck
Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in God. God believes in
Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one
Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it
honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
cried.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but
only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of
creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy
sh*t! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with
him. At that point, she was the third girl he had
slept with.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning
any property.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects
Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room
itself.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick
wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck
roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is
"Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply
stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
pointing at her and saying "booya!".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger.
When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then
he farts.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law"
and "Order" are trademarked names for his left and
right legs.
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Jamie Walby
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Registered: 15th Nov 04
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PMSL
Nice one Teddy baby.
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Teddy
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Registered: 19th Jul 04
Location: Northampton Drives: VW Bora 1.9TDi pd130
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I always look at this on a monday morning - sets me up for the week
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gianluigi
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Registered: 9th Mar 05
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
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they're the best ones
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abdus
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Registered: 23rd Feb 06
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gianluigi
Member
Registered: 9th Mar 05
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
User status: Offline
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Chuck Norris does not belive in God, Chuck Norris is of POAH
Submitted by Anon
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Teddy
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Registered: 19th Jul 04
Location: Northampton Drives: VW Bora 1.9TDi pd130
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I love this one
"Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
pointing at her and saying "booya!"."
[Edited on 12-06-2006 by Teddy]
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Steve
Premium Member
Registered: 30th Mar 02
Location: Worcestershire Drives: Defender
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Chuck Norris Biography
When you think of Chuck Norris, you either immediately think action movie star (recalling his numerous feature films) or television star, for his long-running CBS television series, "Walker, Texas Ranger."
But prior to that, Chuck was a martial arts star, winning many martial arts championships including being a six-time undefeated World Professional MiddleWeight Karate Champion. Chuck was also a renowned teacher in the martial arts. Some of his students were Steve McQueen, Bob Barker, Priscilla Presley and Donnie & Marie Osmond.
From 1964 to 1968, Chuck won many State, National, and International amateur karate titles. In 1968, Chuck fought and won the World Professional MiddleWeight Karate championships by defeating the World's Top Fighters. He held that title until 1974 when he retired undefeated.
In 1968, Chuck was inducted into the Black Belt Hall of Fame as Fighter of the Year. In 1975, he was inducted as Instructor of the Year and in 1977, Chuck received the honor of Man of the Year.
Chuck is also founder and President of United Fighting Arts Federation with over 2,300 black belts all over the world.
In 1997, Chuck achieved another milestone in his life by being the first man ever in the Western Hemisphere to be awarded an 8th degree Black Belt Grand Master recognition in the Tae Kwon Do system. This was a first in 4,500 years of tradition.
Chuck's intense drive and determination extended beyond his martial arts and acting career. He became an offshore powerboat racer with speeds of 140 miles per hour. In 1991, Chuck with his team and sponsor "Popeye Chicken" won the World Off Shore Powerboat championships. Then he went on to setting a new world record by racing a 38 foot Scarab boat 605 miles across the Great Lakes, from Chicago to Detroit, in 12 hours and 8 minutes.
In 1988, Chuck wrote his autobiography, "The Secret of Inner Strength", for Little Brown Publishing, which became a New York Times Best Seller. He followed up a few years later with a second book, "The Secret Power Within: Zen Solutions to Real Problems", also with Little Brown Publishing.
Chuck was asked how he would like to be remembered. Chuck's answer was as a Humanitarian. He has gotten a good start by:
1.) Being the spokesperson for United Way, doing an eight-minute commercial, which helped bring in over two billion dollars.
2.) Veterans Administration spokesperson visiting over 12 V.A. hospitals and speaking with World War II, Korean and Vietnam War Veterans including one from World War I.
3.) Winning the 1998 Epiphany award on Walker, Texas Ranger for the best Christian program.
4.) The Jewish Humanitarian Man of the Year Award.
5.) Actively involved with the Make A Wish Foundation for 20 years by making dreams come true for terminally ill children.
6.) BMI Music Television Award for Walker, Texas Ranger theme song, "Eyes of a Ranger".
7.) Texas Ranger Hall of Fame.
8.) Commissioned Police Officer for Terrell, Texas.
9.) Motivational speaker for many Christian ministries, such as T.D. Jakes Ministry, Trinity Broadcasting, and Bill Glass Crusade.
But Chuck thinks his most rewarding accomplishment was the creation of his Kick-Start Foundation. With the help of President George Bush, Chuck implemented a program teaching the martial arts to 150 high-risk children at M C Williams Middle School in Houston, Texas, as part of the school curriculum. The program was so successful in helping these kids raise their self-esteem and instilling discipline and respect, as well as getting them out of gangs, that the program is now in 30 schools with over 4,200 young boys and girls actively participating.
   
[Edited on 12-06-2006 by Steve]
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Teddy
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Registered: 19th Jul 04
Location: Northampton Drives: VW Bora 1.9TDi pd130
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Fook yeah!
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Eck
Premium Member
Registered: 17th Apr 06
Location: Lundin Links, Fife
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PMSL chuck norris is a legend
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Jamie Walby
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Registered: 15th Nov 04
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I think Chuck Norris should take over from the Hoff as the official CorsaSport mascot
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Jambo
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Registered: 8th Sep 01
Location: Maidenhead, Drives: VXR Arctic
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No matter how many times i see Chuck quotes they never get less funny 
I personally love:
Chuck norris CAN BELEIVE its not butter
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Jamie Walby
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Registered: 15th Nov 04
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Jambo I have never heard that one.
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Teddy
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Registered: 19th Jul 04
Location: Northampton Drives: VW Bora 1.9TDi pd130
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Oh Chuck 
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JadeM
Premium Member
Registered: 9th Feb 06
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I dont get all this Chuck Norris 'thing' is it some English humor I dont get 
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Teddy
Member
Registered: 19th Jul 04
Location: Northampton Drives: VW Bora 1.9TDi pd130
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quote:
Originally posted by JadeM
I dont get all this Chuck Norris 'thing' is it some English humor I dont get
Yes.
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tooolbox timmy
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Registered: 6th Dec 05
Location: lancashire
User status: Offline
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Chuck Norris does not use a cell phone. He speaks at a normal volume, but out of fear the space-time continuum warps itself until his message reaches the person he's speaking to
one more to the list
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gianluigi
Member
Registered: 9th Mar 05
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
User status: Offline
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^ FPMSL ^ that one's awesome
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tooolbox timmy
Member
Registered: 6th Dec 05
Location: lancashire
User status: Offline
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few more haha:
Chuck Norris once visited the virgin islands,They are now the islands
Chuck Norris doesnt use pick up lines.He simply says 'NOW'
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors
Chuck Norris can speak braille
On the first day Chuck Norris said''let there be beard''and it was awesome
Chuck Norris died ten years ago but teh grim reaper could not find the courage to kill him
Chuck Norris doesnt tea bag he potato sacks
Chuck norris once caught the common cold,then broke its neck
Chuck Norris's cock is so long it has a fiveskin
[Edited on 13-06-2006 by tooolbox timmy]
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gianluigi
Member
Registered: 9th Mar 05
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by tooolbox timmy
Chuck norris once caught the common cold,then broke its neck
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tooolbox timmy
Member
Registered: 6th Dec 05
Location: lancashire
User status: Offline
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Chuck Norris doesnt tea bag he potato sacks
^^
I think that ones funny haha
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tooolbox timmy
Member
Registered: 6th Dec 05
Location: lancashire
User status: Offline
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jeeves asks chuck norris
if at first you dont succeed,you are clearly not Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was sending an email one day,when he realised it would be quicker to run
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Jamie
Member
Registered: 1st Apr 02
Location: Aberdeen
User status: Offline
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Chucks the boy like
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Jamie Walby
Member
Registered: 15th Nov 04
User status: Offline
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Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress
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Jambo
Member
Registered: 8th Sep 01
Location: Maidenhead, Drives: VXR Arctic
User status: Offline
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@ new additions
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