Ojc
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Registered: 14th Nov 00
Location: Reading: Drives : Clio 197
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FPMSL 
A very confusing movie. As I have stated before, the very presence of Governor Schwarzenegger in a film makes said film more homoerotic than a leather bar. Yes, that means that Kindergarden Cop is more NAMBLA friendly than Over the Top. And yes, Arnold's hunky chest and even hunkier biceps are ever present in two out of three scenes here in Conan the Barbarian. Moreover, he wears this ridiculous cod piece throughout the film that makes his Austrian Sausage look as mighty as the rest of him. But... he also sleeps with three women. Now granted, two of the women (following the dictates of all 80s Action films) die horrible deaths, but what about the third?? She don't die.... Weird. Now, I should point out that Conan actually kills one of the women while having sex with her, but what about the one that lives? I just don't understand. Why would Conan let her infect him with her vaginal filth and not see to her bloody end? Very strange.
Granted, Conan's father does tell him that "You can't trust a woman" and then points to a giant, phallic sword and explains that Conan "can trust this." But see, that could be a hidden right wing message (what am I saying "could be?" John Milius, hello?). Still there is a lot of wrestling taking place while men are wearing leather G-strings. I just don't get it. Like, he sees a good looking blond woman, so the first thing he does is pull a sword on her. But then he winds up having sex with her!?!?!?! Weird, man. And like at one point Conan says to a guy, "SNAKES, did you say snakes," and you htink he's going to blow his god-like load in the dude's face. But then we see his buddy walking around grabbing women's asses! I'm so confused... I mean, his mother gets beheaded in the first four minutes of the film, but he is upset about it. And what about the fifteen uninterupted seconds of female nudity. There is even an openly gay character, but Conan rather than fucking him, kills the guy. Weird... Though I should point out that after he kills the guy, he puts on the gay guy's clothes.
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gianluigi
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Registered: 9th Mar 05
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
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LMFAO
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gianluigi
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Registered: 9th Mar 05
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
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quote:
Originally posted by Ojc
:
Yes, that means that Kindergarden Cop is more NAMBLA friendly than Over the Top.
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Ojc
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Registered: 14th Nov 00
Location: Reading: Drives : Clio 197
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On Passion of Christ
"The Third Reich would have sat through the entire ordeal with erections and than applauded at the conclusion"
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Ojc
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Registered: 14th Nov 00
Location: Reading: Drives : Clio 197
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But in truth, my all-time favorite, without a doubt, is, "If it bleeds, we can kill it." Obviously some sort of anti-menstrual reference in the world of gay utopian fantasy.
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Ojc
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Registered: 14th Nov 00
Location: Reading: Drives : Clio 197
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About Rambo FPMSL
Homoeroticism:
Rambo is gayer than sexual intercourse between men. To start with, the movie and the protagonist are fucking called Rambo. But only because Buttfuck was already taken
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CorsAsh
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Registered: 19th Apr 02
Location: Munich
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I love that site
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Ojc
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Registered: 14th Nov 00
Location: Reading: Drives : Clio 197
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Top Gun review ROLMFAO
Released: 1986
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Matt Cale is like a blast of cold water...
Tagline:
"Up there with the best of the best."
Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:
Sweaty young studs fly planes, shower together.
Homoeroticism:
In many ways, this should be the only category that matters for a film like this. Never in my life have I seen a film so top-heavy with homoerotic longings and beefy men who look at each other with love, affection, and sexual delight. One could discuss these things for hours, but a partial list will suffice:
The main characters are in the Navy, for fuck's sake. Need I say more?
Cougar has a panic attack that eerily resembles a shattering orgasm.
After Iceman tells Maverick, "I'll see you later," he responds, "You can count on it."
Maverick actually walks into a ladies room on purpose.
There are sunglasses and tight uniforms as far as the eye can see.
We hear the line, "He's on my tail, comin' hard."
There are at least four scenes in a locker room, with no man wearing more than a towel.
A furious commanding officer screams, "I want some butts!" I am not kidding.
Has anyone taken a look at Goose's moustache lately?
Maverick is either showering or talking about showering. Remember, all of these showers involve seeing other men naked. He never showers alone.
When Goose dies, Maverick mourns as if he has lost his lover. Wait a minute, he has.
There is a volleyball game that just might be the most homoerotic scene in film history. Not only is there a song on the soundtrack that contains the lyrics "playing with the boys," but each man is shirtless, sweaty and/or oiled, and there are enough high-fives and butt-slaps to last a lifetime. It is telling that Maverick is late for a "date" with a woman because of this very game.
Maverick actually considers quitting his job over another man.
Corpse Count:
Alas, only one man dies. Still, this lone fatality does give us the opportunity to watch Tom Cruise cradle another man in his arms. Some Russians die, but back in the 80s they didn't count as people.
How Bad Is It Really?
Outside of spotting the homoeroticism, the film is a giant bore. I suppose military fetishists would love it, as would those who want to watch men fall in love with each other, but I could not care less throughout. Macho jingoism can be fun in a guilty pleasure sort of way, but I just couldn't handle it so soon after suffering through Iron Eagle. But with Jerry Bruckheimer involved, did I really need to endure the entire thing to know that it sucked hard? The worst moments? First, there is Cruise leading a bar in a rendition of "You've Lost that Loving Feeling." Next, we are forced to accept Kelly McGillis as having a PhD in Astro-Physics. A local prostitute who nails hotshot pilots between tricks? You betcha. An educated woman of substance? Not a chance. And finally there is the line, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." Was there a time when we actually laughed at that cliché? And was Meg Ryan always so annoying? Was and is, dear readers.
Post-Mortem One-Liner:
With only one death (and an accidental one at that), there wasn't much opportunity for such things. Other one-liners might have flown by, but I sure as fuck wasn't listening.
Stupid Political Content:
1986. Military hardware. Studs in sunglasses. Yes indeed, this is Reagan's War and we're just along for the ride. Fighter jets are turned into expensive extensions of the penis, and the men who operate them are romanticized out of all proportion. It is a hard and fast rule that any 1980s film involving the military glorifies combat, death, and the shiny tools that come out of the Pentagon. That Navy enrollments actually went up after the release of this film is both a testament to slick marketing and the buried fascistic longings of our nation's youth. Killing is miraculously transformed into a video game set to the latest rock n' roll hits. Which is exactly how The Gipper viewed the world, after all. Saving the world from godless Communism is fun, my fellow Americans. Join up or get the fuck out. Finally, we watch Reaganism's view of educated women--they are willing to throw it all away for a hot stud in a flight suit. But aren't we all?
Novelty Death:
In a film involving high-tech weaponry and supersonic jets, the only death is accidental -- when Goose hits his head after ejecting from his out-of-control plane. No explosions? No screaming jets bursting into flames?
What You Learned:
Navy pilots take an inordinate number of showers. And when you are being lectured by your superior officers, it is best to be in your underwear.
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SVM 286
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Registered: 13th Feb 05
Location: pain
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quote:
Originally posted by Ojc
Why would Conan let her infect him with her vaginal filth and not see to her bloody end?
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