hannah_d
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Registered: 12th May 05
Location: west sussex/chichester
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The 17 Ways Women Fail In Bed
as nicked off an email I received this morning...
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two thirds of the way down.
2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10. CLOCK WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if A) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or B) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex and business. It's called whoring.
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gianluigi
Member
Registered: 9th Mar 05
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by hannah_d
am i a slag?
yes 
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hannah_d
Member
Registered: 12th May 05
Location: west sussex/chichester
User status: Offline
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oh cheers and im not a slag thankyou
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Icy
Member
Registered: 31st Jan 01
Location: Edinburgh Drives: Mk3 Golf Gti
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Robin
Premium Member
Registered: 7th Jan 04
Location: Northants Drives: Clio 182 Cup
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no. 7
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All Torque
Member
Registered: 17th Nov 05
Location: Milton Keynes Drives: Ford Focus TDCi
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quote:
Originally posted by robmarriott
no. 7
and number 2
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Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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Thats just common sense I don't think it's a joke
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A1EX
Member
Registered: 29th Mar 00
Location: Turku, Finland
User status: Offline
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whats so funny, its all true isnt it?
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Liam
Member
Registered: 19th Jan 06
Location: Stafford
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by robmarriott
no. 7
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loo_goblin
Member
Registered: 14th Jul 04
Location: Horsham, West Sussex
User status: Offline
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14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
NOT TRUE!
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Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by loo_goblin
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
NOT TRUE!
Agreed shaved is better FULL STOP
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SteveW
Member
Registered: 15th Jul 02
Location: Up in the clouds
User status: Offline
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PMSL.. its all very true.
girls just dont get it.. they have the easy life when it comes to sex
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Ry_B
Banned
Registered: 1st Dec 05
Location: Solihull, W Mids Drives: 45BHP beast!
User status: Offline
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SXi_Tim
Member
Registered: 11th Mar 03
Location: South Yorkshire Drives: RS3, LET B
User status: Offline
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Shaven all the way, lot nicer to lick aswell
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CorsAsh
Member
Registered: 19th Apr 02
Location: Munich
User status: Offline
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I prefer a little strip to keep my nose warm 
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dave17
Member
Registered: 3rd Sep 02
Location: Greater London
User status: Offline
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nail on the head with that one
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Antz
Member
Registered: 28th Jul 03
Location: Leeds Drives: Myself Insane!
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by SXi_Tim
Shaven all the way, lot nicer to lick aswell
Nah, I've always said exactly what that line says... if it's shavn it's like fucking a 10 year old... you need a little bit of hair to remind you she's legal 
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SXi_Tim
Member
Registered: 11th Mar 03
Location: South Yorkshire Drives: RS3, LET B
User status: Offline
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Thats what the titties are for
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Antz
Member
Registered: 28th Jul 03
Location: Leeds Drives: Myself Insane!
User status: Offline
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Nah, I disagree, boobies are nice, but need to have a bit of hair downstairs.
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Tom
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Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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Shaven if she's lucky enough to get it licked
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dave17
Member
Registered: 3rd Sep 02
Location: Greater London
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Tom
Shaven if she's lucky enough to get it licked
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Jonny P
Member
Registered: 11th Dec 04
Location: Merseyside Drives: Civic Type R EP3
User status: Offline
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no.5
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Dave A
USER UNDER INVESTIGATION - DO NOT TRADE
Registered: 10th Dec 03
Location: County Durham
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by hannah_dare we really this bad?
well, come round mine and ill give you the answer
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Rus
Member
Registered: 24th Jan 05
Location: SE London, Kent
User status: Offline
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i'm gonna email this to my ex
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hannah_d
Member
Registered: 12th May 05
Location: west sussex/chichester
User status: Offline
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