drunkenfool
Member
Registered: 7th Feb 03
Location: Hereford Drives: Audi R8 V8
User status: Offline
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Got this in a chain mail but it made me chuckle 
1, OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it
effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
men's
work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids;
make's you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -
noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
towards
the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else
struggles
to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt?". "Nah!".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your
hardness,
sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says,
"but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTBALL AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! You girl
Beckham, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are pi55ed. However, the rest of
the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are
now
your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber
later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing
better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
straight
to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven.
See
ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes
you
the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in
the
fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't
make
a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
mad,
bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's
right,i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized dump.
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
man's way of saying, "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in
hospital".
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Jake
Member
Registered: 24th Jan 05
User status: Offline
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6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
towards
the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else
struggles
to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
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SteveW
Member
Registered: 15th Jul 02
Location: Up in the clouds
User status: Offline
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FPMSL
some of those are right classics
nice one Matt
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Gavin
Premium Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: West Midlands
User status: Offline
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3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
straight
to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven.
See
ya."
pmsl
[Edited on 08-12-2005 by Gavin]
pew pew pew pewwwww
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Melville
Member
Registered: 4th Jun 03
Location: Newcastle upon Tyne
User status: Offline
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So funny you had to post it twice 
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Gavin
Premium Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: West Midlands
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Melville
So funny you had to post it twice
posted the wrong one 
pew pew pew pewwwww
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Simon
Member
Registered: 24th Apr 03
Location: Oxfordshire
User status: Offline
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good shit haha
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Charlene
Member
Registered: 29th Sep 04
Location: Darlington
User status: Offline
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langey
Member
Registered: 7th Sep 03
Location: Wigan
User status: Offline
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some classics there 
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Andy Stocker
Member
Registered: 31st Aug 00
Location: Herts Drives: Porsche 911
User status: Offline
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CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are
now your dad.
PMSL
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