calidus
Member
Registered: 27th Oct 02
Location: Lincoln
User status: Offline
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DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
And the absolute belter for last
WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.
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Ally
Member
Registered: 2nd Jul 03
Location: Pontypool Drives: a Skoda
User status: Offline
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off day
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Greg_M
Member
Registered: 2nd Sep 03
Location: Grantham, Lincolnshire
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Ally
off day
is fun
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calidus
Member
Registered: 27th Oct 02
Location: Lincoln
User status: Offline
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cudnt decide which forum to post it in  sorry
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mav
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Scotland
User status: Offline
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general chat = general car chat
off day = anything else
and couldn't be arsed reading at all  
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John
Member
Registered: 30th Jun 03
User status: Offline
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old
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Ally
Member
Registered: 2nd Jul 03
Location: Pontypool Drives: a Skoda
User status: Offline
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try here -
nakedness
work warning on this link, as it does have nakedness like i've already said
 ner mav!
[Edited on 28-09-2005 by Ally]
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mav
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Scotland
User status: Offline
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AGAIN ally work warning on that link.....
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K5-KYL
Member
Registered: 5th Aug 05
Location: Cowdenbeath, Fife
User status: Offline
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fuck me!!!
i just clicked that link, with full volume on and my dad is right behind me!
pmsl lucky he was looking the other way!!!
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infinitycorsa
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Stourport-on-Severn, Hereford and Worcester
User status: Offline
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That is just wrong
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RCoughtrie
Member
Registered: 31st Oct 04
Location: East Ayrshire Scotland
User status: Offline
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ally ffs
lmfao
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richysport
Member
Registered: 15th Apr 05
Location: Flintshire, north wales
User status: Offline
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sick
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Sam
Moderator
Premium Member
Registered: 24th Dec 99
Location: West Midlands
User status: Offline
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Ghey... 
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Ally
Member
Registered: 2nd Jul 03
Location: Pontypool Drives: a Skoda
User status: Offline
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u wussys cant take a joke
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