Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me
to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly
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AJP
Member
Registered: 8th Sep 02
Location: Third roof tile on the left
User status: Offline
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SteveW
Member
Registered: 15th Jul 02
Location: Up in the clouds
User status: Offline
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now thats funny
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34
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CCA
Member
Registered: 6th Dec 04
Location: Somewhere Drives: Not a bloody Vauxhall!
User status: Offline
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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OMG some of those are awesome
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leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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That was emailed to me and it is very funny
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Carly
Member
Registered: 21st Aug 03
Location: sheffield
User status: Offline
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Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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Nismo
Member
Registered: 12th Sep 02
User status: Offline
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Jimmy Carr is a ledgend.
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Nismo
Jimmy Carr is a ledgend.
I love the way he just tells jokes
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3CorsaMeal
Member
Registered: 11th Apr 02
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Nismo
Jimmy Carr is my dad.
chinny reckon 
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