hodaz
Member
Registered: 9th Sep 04
Location: North Shields
User status: Offline
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got this at work 2day, pmsl
> The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll
> have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst
> picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the
> anus. That's not good luck in my book.
>
> Milos el Standish, Barcelona
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>
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> I HAVE recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about
> Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am
> gay, straight or a paedophile. What do your readers think?
>
> D Barclay
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>
>
>
> COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
> patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric
> Abu Hamsa.
>
> Les Barnsley, Barnsley
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>
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> 'ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in
> Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty
> pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.
>
> Tracey Cusick, Cumbria
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>
>
>
> HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
> selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
> football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
> for the rich and another for the poor.
>
> Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
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>
> So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening"
> do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20
> years.
>
> Tim
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>
>
>
> I couldn't sleep the other night so my wife suggested that I try
> counting sheep jumping over a 5-bar gate. I drove around all night
> looking for a flock able to perform this feat, but I hadn't found one
> by the time the sun came up. Needless to say I got even less sleep
> that night than usual. What a farce.
>
> A. Morris, Frampton
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>
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> They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The
> last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady
> stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned
> out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
>
> Mark Roberts
>
>
>
> IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes
> the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the
> way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite
> fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living
> room carpet this morning.
>
> Christopher Hampshire, Bristol
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>
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> I AM becoming sick and tired with the media's politically correct
> obsession with gay sex. It's getting so that I can't turn on the
> Fantasy Channel without seeing two naked homosexual women indulging in
> these sordid practices. I'm thinking of cancelling my subscription.
>
> T Cutt, Surrey
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>
>
>
> I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
> Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much,
> but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
>
> Dave Owen, Edinburgh
>
>
> The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting
> questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official
> tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this
> final score place our national champ in the world league table?
>
> Magnus, Sheffield
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>
>
>
> After suffering a head-on car crash in Northumbria recently, who
> should I see rubber-necking slowly past the wreckage but haughty TV
> chef Clarissa Dickson-Wright in her Volvo. Did she stop to offer
> assistance? Did she bollocks. When she inevitably croaks from heart
> disease, I fully intend to dance on her grave.
>
> G Bryant, Sheffield
>
>
>
>
> I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's
> prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God,
> has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to
> be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding
> citizens can only dream of.
>
> Mrs Close, Headingley
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>
>
>
> The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
> Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it
> just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't
> told the poor sods?
>
> John Campbell, e-mail
>
>
>
>
> I drank three litres of white cider, a bottle of red wine and then a
> couple of cans on Friday night. Despite this, I had the shittest
> Saturday of my life. Can any of your readers explain why, because I am
> at a loss.
>
> Patrick Bateman, e-mail
>
>
>
>
> Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
> about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
> about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
>
> Mike Woods, e-mail
>
>
> Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
> the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters.
> I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their
> splendid sense of humour.
>
> Chris Scaife, Jesmond
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>
>
>
> Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
> Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
> climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should
> get some faster cars.
>
> T Barnham, London
>
>
>
>
> How come my gran survived the horrors of the Blitz, but has been so
> badly traumatised by the clocks going back that she can't stop banging
> on about it? The stupid whispy-chinned bitch.
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