michelle
Member
Registered: 15th Oct 03
Location: Kirkintilloch, Glasgow
User status: Offline
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Post your jokes in here. I need some amusement this afternoon.
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Carly
Member
Registered: 21st Aug 03
Location: sheffield
User status: Offline
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At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your dad a big hug.”
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Martin
Member
Registered: 15th Mar 04
Location: Dumpstable Drives: Aztec Sxi
User status: Offline
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 thats good 
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Andy Stocker
Member
Registered: 31st Aug 00
Location: Herts Drives: Porsche 911
User status: Offline
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Royal Mail
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Martin
Member
Registered: 15th Mar 04
Location: Dumpstable Drives: Aztec Sxi
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Andy Stocker
Royal Mail
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BigSte
Member
Registered: 27th Aug 02
Location: Sheffield
User status: Offline
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I love this..............
OFFICE DARES
ONE-POINT DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed
2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other
'non-player'
must be in the toilet at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name
and say,
"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over
your head.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and
whisper huskily,
"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out,
say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the
doors open.
THREE-POINTS DARES
1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
double-barrelled
fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you
get all that,
I don't want to have to repeat it".
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from
the nozzle
(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be
nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points
if you
actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch
you with
growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go
do a number
two".
5. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican
accent. As in
"the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead
repeatedly and
mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is
my witness,
I'll never go hungry again."
9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in
tights".
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You
wanna trade?"
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same
person: "Do you
hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I
can't talk
about it".
13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's
won a lunch
for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during
a very
important conference call.
15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of
your pants
and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit,
smash each
biscuit with your fist.
18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair
towards the door.
19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting
attendee,
move them according to the movements of their real-life
counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you here are some examples of
insane acts you
can use anywhere...
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and
point a
hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are
going to have
to let one of you go."
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries with
that.
4. Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over
his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the subject field for all your e-mails, write " FOR SEXUAL
FAVOURS".
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the
prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of
jungle sounds
all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend
their party
because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name,
Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!
3rd time this
week!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
yelling,
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"
[Edited on 25-02-2005 by BigSte]
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BigSte
Member
Registered: 27th Aug 02
Location: Sheffield
User status: Offline
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars? "
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer.
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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^^
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BigSte
Member
Registered: 27th Aug 02
Location: Sheffield
User status: Offline
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LAST ONE....
So who has an Aunt Karen like this one?
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess
What's the moral of the story? asked the teacher.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket!
Very good, said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, Our family are farmers
too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and
the moral to his story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'.
That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?
Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got
hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a
bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed
right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them
with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed
twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she
killed the last ten with her bare hands.
Good heavens,said the horrified teacher, what kind of
moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?
Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Aztec_sxi
quote:
Originally posted by Andy Stocker
Royal Mail
I also laughed at this
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Fujikato
Member
Registered: 22nd Feb 05
User status: Offline
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What do you call a boomerang that does not work?
A baby.
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Skipz
Member
Registered: 23rd Aug 03
Location: Falkirk: Drives:nothing but gettin another Corsa
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by BigSte
LAST ONE....
So who has an Aunt Karen like this one?
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess
What's the moral of the story? asked the teacher.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket!
Very good, said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, Our family are farmers
too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and
the moral to his story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'.
That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?
Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got
hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a
bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed
right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them
with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed
twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she
killed the last ten with her bare hands.
Good heavens,said the horrified teacher, what kind of
moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?
Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.
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