Aaron
Member
Registered: 9th Aug 04
Location: Cottingham, East Riding
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by rossnomore
why did the blonde take sandpaper to the desert??
flol 
she thought it was a map
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rossnomore
Member
Registered: 18th Oct 06
Location: Fife
User status: Offline
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whats the difference between a bmw and a pile of dead babies?
i dont have a bmw in my garage!
i was told this by a very strange person at my school, still funny though!!
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nathy_87
Member
Registered: 14th Aug 08
Location: West Mids. Drives: Škoda Fabia VRS 5J
User status: Offline
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thats not funny 
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Dione J
Member
Registered: 22nd Sep 04
Location: West Midlands Drives: Leon Cupra Turbo
User status: Offline
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Eck
Premium Member
Registered: 17th Apr 06
Location: Lundin Links, Fife
User status: Offline
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Djay WTF
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Hammer
Member
Registered: 11th Feb 04
User status: Offline
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Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
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Rachel H
Member
Registered: 12th Nov 03
Location: Berks
User status: Offline
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"I do not know, Human" WTF
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Kurt
Member
Registered: 23rd Oct 05
Location: Hi
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Hammer
Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
[Edited on 01-05-2007 by kurtofcc]
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andy1868
Member
Registered: 22nd Jun 06
Location: Burscough, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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hammer and djay for prez
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Dione J
Member
Registered: 22nd Sep 04
Location: West Midlands Drives: Leon Cupra Turbo
User status: Offline
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>>>>>It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
>>>>>becomes
>>>>>harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when
>>>>>they
>>>>>were younger.
>>>>>When you notice this, try not to shout at them.
>>>>>Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an
>>>>>over-sensitive
>>>>>woman.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>My name is Norman. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
>>>>>wife,
>>>>>Maureen.
>>>>>When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for her to
>>>>>get
>>>>>a
>>>>>full-time job for the extra income that we needed.
>>>>>Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show
>>>>>her
>>>>>age.
>>>>>I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home
>>>>>from
>>>>>work.
>>>>>Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to
>>>>>rest
>>>>>for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
>>>>>I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake
>>>>>me
>>>>>when she gets dinner on the table.
>>>>>I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the
>>>>>question
>>>>> I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.
>>>>>
>>>>>She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
>>>>>usual
>>>>>for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
>>>>>I do what can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
>>>>>evening
>>>>>that they won't clean themselves.
>>>>>I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to
>>>>>get
>>>>>them done before she goes to bed.
>>>>>
>>>>>Another symptom of ageing is complaining.
>>>>>For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the
>>>>>shopping
>>>>>during her lunch hour.
>>>>>But we take wives for better or worse, so I just smile and offer
>>>>>encouragement.
>>>>>I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
>>>>>That way she won't have to rush so much.
>>>>>I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt
>>>>>her.
>>>>>
>>>>>I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
>>>>>
>>>>>When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
>>>>>She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn
>>>>>and
>>>>>several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house.
>>>>>It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the
>>>>>Day',
>>>>>but
>>>>>I try not to make a scene.
>>>>>I'm a fair man.
>>>>>I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while,
>>>>>and
>>>>>as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for
>>>>>me
>>>>>too.
>>>>>
>>>>>I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Maureen.
>>>>>I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
>>>>>will
>>>>>find it difficult.
>>>>>Some will find it impossible!
>>>>>Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get
>>>>>older.
>>>>>However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of
>>>>>your
>>>>>ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it
>>>>>was
>>>>>well worthwhile.
>>>>>After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?
>>>>>
>>>>>Norman
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>EDITOR'S NOTE:
>>>>>
>>>>>Norman died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley
>>>>>screwdriver rammed up his a**e with only 2 inches of the handle
>>>>>showing.
>>>>>
>>>>>His wife Maureen was arrested, charged and sent for trial, but the
>>>>>all-woman
>>>>>jury accepted her defence that, somehow, he had accidentally sat on it.
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Dione J
Member
Registered: 22nd Sep 04
Location: West Midlands Drives: Leon Cupra Turbo
User status: Offline
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you"
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
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Toby
Premium Member
Registered: 29th Nov 05
User status: Offline
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^^ quality
what is the difference between achne and a priest?
achne doesnt come on an 8yrs olds face
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Dione J
Member
Registered: 22nd Sep 04
Location: West Midlands Drives: Leon Cupra Turbo
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by CorsaB4ever
^^ quality
what is the difference between achne and a priest?
achne doesnt come on an 8yrs olds face
harsh.
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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How do you get a nun pregnant.
Rape her.
What's the worst thing about gang rape?
Going last
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Mike GSi
Member
Registered: 3rd Jan 07
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk Drives:Astra VXR
User status: Offline
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whats the definition of a drawing pin?
a smartie with a hard on
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nathy_87
Member
Registered: 14th Aug 08
Location: West Mids. Drives: Škoda Fabia VRS 5J
User status: Offline
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mikeef
Banned
Registered: 20th Aug 06
Location: Kent
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by mikegsic16xe
whats the definition of a drawing pin?
a smartie with a hard on
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Dione J
Member
Registered: 22nd Sep 04
Location: West Midlands Drives: Leon Cupra Turbo
User status: Offline
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> A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
>
> Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until
> one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange
> a divorce for him.
>
> The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
> and asked him the following questions:
> L: Have you any grounds?
> P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
>
> L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
> P: It made of concrete.
>
> L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
> P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
>
> L: I mean. What are your relations like?
> P: All my relations still in Poland
>
> L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
> P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
>
> L: Does your wife beat you up?
> P: No, I'm always up before her.
>
> L: Is your wife a nagger?
> P: No, she white.
>
> L: Why do you want this divorce?
> P: She going to kill me.
>
> L: What makes you think that?
> P: I got proof.
>
> L: What kind of proof?
> P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf
> in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"
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Dione J
Member
Registered: 22nd Sep 04
Location: West Midlands Drives: Leon Cupra Turbo
User status: Offline
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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?".
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nik
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 00
User status: Offline
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Bloke goes to the docs complaining of a small penis. Doctor gives him some pills and said give it a few weeks and your have a member like an elephants trunk.
Bloke takes the pills and is impressed at what he is seeing. He meets a girl and takes her out for a meal. All of a sudden his cock jumps out from under the table, grabs a roll and goes back under the table.
The girl is ultra impressed and says wow do that again so the bloke says I would but I can't take another roll up my arse
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willay
Moderator
Organiser: South East, National Events
Premium Member
Registered: 10th Nov 02
Location: Roydon, Essex
User status: Offline
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nathy_87
Member
Registered: 14th Aug 08
Location: West Mids. Drives: Škoda Fabia VRS 5J
User status: Offline
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Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"
Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"
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All Torque
Member
Registered: 17th Nov 05
Location: Milton Keynes Drives: Ford Focus TDCi
User status: Offline
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FLOL!
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Planty02
Member
Registered: 5th Mar 05
Location: Burslem, Stoke-on-Trent
User status: Offline
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bigdan
Member
Registered: 4th Jan 07
Location: Jarrow (Newcastle)
User status: Offline
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any 1 got any more
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