Fonz
Premium Member
Registered: 12th May 06
Location: Newbury, Berks
User status: Offline
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please dont ban me for being a racist!
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."
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Paddy was in New York
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay,
pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?"
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best f riend,
Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"
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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and
knees.
"Re ally," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on
his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and sh uffled and stumbled
his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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Marc
Member
Registered: 11th Aug 02
Location: York
User status: Offline
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A1EX
Member
Registered: 29th Mar 00
Location: Turku, Finland
User status: Offline
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esp the bottom one, sounds like somet id do
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Steve X16XE
Member
Registered: 31st Dec 06
Location: Barnsley, South Yorkshire
User status: Offline
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An Irish man, an Aussie and a Barnsley man in a pub. The 3 men see a man sitting at a table who looks like Jesus, so they send him over 3 pints, 1 guiness, 1 lager and 1 bitter.
Later the man comes over to thank them.
He shakes hands with the Irish man who is instantly cured of his arthritis.
He shakes hands with the Aussie who is instantly cured of his back.
The Barnsley man shouts "don't you fucking touch me. I'm on disability benefits!"
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nova_gteuk
Member
Registered: 15th May 02
Location: South Wales Drives: The Bandwagon
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by A1EX
esp the bottom one, sounds like somet id do
[Edited on 15-03-2007 by nova_gteuk]
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nathy_87
Member
Registered: 14th Aug 08
Location: West Mids. Drives: Škoda Fabia VRS 5J
User status: Offline
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Murphy is walking down shankhill road one wet morning.His friend paddy driving past stops and givs him a lift. Ah top o the morning to you paddy, tanks for stoppin im soaked murphy says.
uphy then looks into the back seat. Err..Paddy there is a bomb on d back seat. Aye ah know replies paddy. Well what if it goes off you mad irish pri*k! Paddy replies dunna worry i got a spare in d boot
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Quasimodo is lying on the ground in front of the notre dame, bleeding everywhere broken legs,arms. He looks up at bell tower and sees Esmerelda looking down at him, he houts up You stupid bitch. thats not whati ment when i said toss me off.
[Edited on 15-03-2007 by nathy_87]
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