Tiesto
Member
Registered: 6th Jun 02
Location: Hinckley, Leicestershire
User status: Offline
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Carry on from the other thread, recived this in an email at work today. Thought i'd share the wisdon with you all 
Sorry if its a repost!
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back at
work and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable.
For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
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AndyKent
Member
Registered: 3rd Sep 05
User status: Offline
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Ben G
Member
Registered: 12th Jan 07
Location: Essex
User status: Offline
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very good. i have never pooed at work 
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BarnshaW
Member
Registered: 25th Oct 06
User status: Offline
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lmao
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Scotty_B
Member
Registered: 11th Jun 03
Location: East Kilbride
User status: Offline
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Astaire
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Liam
Member
Registered: 19th Jan 06
Location: Stafford
User status: Offline
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lmfao.
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Fonz
Premium Member
Registered: 12th May 06
Location: Newbury, Berks
User status: Offline
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THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
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Kurt
Member
Registered: 23rd Oct 05
Location: Hi
User status: Offline
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theres two guys in t'other office that always talk about going for a poo, gonna send it to them
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Scotty_B
Member
Registered: 11th Jun 03
Location: East Kilbride
User status: Offline
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Nothing worse than standing taking a piss and a guy runs into the stall and you hear the belt slamming the floor and his ass emptying as high speed with a smell to strip wallpaper.
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Kano
Member
Registered: 29th Aug 04
Location: Fife
User status: Offline
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2 a day every day, think I have issues..
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VegasPhil
Premium Member
Registered: 16th Jan 05
Location: Fareham, Hants Drives: Octavia VRS
User status: Offline
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I sent that round my office earlier. Also showed them the original poo link. 
Corsa 2.0 16v Vegas - Sold
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pdwhelan
Member
Registered: 25th Sep 06
Location: Wigan
User status: Offline
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LOL that is hillarious but half of those rules just occure naturaly.. i always cough if im in the toilet when some one's around. not at work, at home lol, and not just poo either!! wee aswell
Infact i need help with the weeing situation..
When ever i go to take a leak in the toilets at work i flop etc but then someone walks in and stands at the urinal besides me. Now the problem i have is, it just doesnt "HAPPEN" stage fright straight away but i havnt learned to overcome it. Some times i just wait untill they have left and then it starts but sometimes they are just there too long and some times you even notice that they cannot wee either, so i try to cough etc to sort of cover a splash and then shake and leave first wich is soo embarrasing. Or if someone is already stood at the urinal i go straight into the cubical to save the ebassement, wich brings on a new embarrasment, I leave the door open to prove im weeing and not going for a poo.. does anyone else have my problems.. just to note, i dont have problems with the size of my penis lol
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ShEp
Member
Registered: 9th Aug 05
Location: Dingwall, Highland
User status: Offline
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flol
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pdwhelan
Member
Registered: 25th Sep 06
Location: Wigan
User status: Offline
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Infact i think i have realised wy.. ITS TOO QUIET, when ever i go on nights out i dont have problems and usualy there are idiots trying to queeze in the smallest gaps to try and pee lol.. i also dont drink so its not the drunkeness helping
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Bez_SXi
Member
Registered: 24th Sep 05
Location: West Mids
User status: Offline
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pdwhelan I know what you're saying! You could hear a pin drop in the toilets at my work, not good, such an awkward quietness 
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