Tommy L
Member
Registered: 21st Aug 06
Location: Northampton Drives: Audi wagon
User status: Offline
|
1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:
- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
- After wrecking your boss' car.
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
- When she is using her teeth.
2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours.
4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer at a mate's house is forbidden. Complain all you like if the temperature is unsuitable.
6.) No mate shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another mate. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
7.) On a boogie bus, the strongest bladder determines piss stops, not the weakest.
8.) When stumbling upon other men watching fitba', you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.
11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12.) Mates don't let mates wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14.) Women who claim they "love to watch fitba'" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to bevvy as much as other fitba' fans.
15.) A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last sausage roll, but not both - that's just greed.
17.) If you compliment a mate on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:
- Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers!
20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
24.) When you are queried by a mate's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, dentist, or boss, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
25.) You may exaggerate any story told in a pub by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULLs**t!'.*
*Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.
26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a mate who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a nice chick that your mate is trying to chat up is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and and up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your stag night.
28.) Before dating a mate's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
29.) The universal compensation for mates who help you move house is alcohol.
30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your mate and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
32.) If a mate is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this c*nt needs is the s**te blootered out of him.", then you may sit back and enjoy.
33.) If a mate is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join in...too gay.
34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
35.) When a mate is trying to chat up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of scoring either.
36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "f**k OFF!" You are absolved of your responsibility.
37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.
|
