kz
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Registered: 9th Aug 02
Location: Southend, Essex Drives: Mini Cooper S
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lots of swearing though sorry, i made it so the filter doesnt cut them out as it would ruin the joke... but if its too offence just delete it!
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".
"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano."
"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"
"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...
"Where's that bloody pianist?"
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:
"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".
"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
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Marc
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Registered: 11th Aug 02
Location: York
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mwg
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Registered: 19th Feb 04
Location: South Lakes
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PMSL
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Cybermonkey
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Registered: 22nd Sep 02
Location: Sydney, Australia
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FLMAO
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ed
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Registered: 10th Sep 03
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abdus
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Registered: 23rd Feb 06
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Liam
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Registered: 19th Jan 06
Location: Stafford
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haha
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gianluigi
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Registered: 9th Mar 05
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
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rofl
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Whittie
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Registered: 11th Aug 06
Location: North Wales Drives: BMW, Corsa & Fiat
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hahaha
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Robbo
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Registered: 6th Aug 02
Location: London
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Awesome
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Tarrantino
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Registered: 29th Sep 04
Location: Essex
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Andy GSi
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Registered: 24th Mar 02
Location: Shropshire, Drives 2.0l 16v Corsa
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lmao
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Gaz
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Registered: 24th Aug 03
Location: Widnes, Cheshire
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LMFAO!
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Rob H
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Registered: 28th Oct 00
Location: Staffordshire Drives: Astra SRi
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How have none of you heard that joke!?!
It's years old... Still a minter though 
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Icy
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Registered: 31st Jan 01
Location: Edinburgh Drives: Mk3 Golf Gti
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yeh heard it
stil good
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_Allan_
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Registered: 24th Mar 04
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Rob H
How have none of you heard that joke!?!
It's years old... Still a minter though
yep old but still 
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duffman
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Registered: 11th Dec 05
Location: Widnes, Cheshire
User status: Offline
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LMAO
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Jay
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Registered: 26th Sep 04
Location: Liverpool
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pmsl thats boss, never heard it before hahaha
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Shelly
Premium Member
Registered: 15th Nov 00
Location: Lancashire Drives: Astra H VXR
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Natalie
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Registered: 5th Nov 03
Location: Oxfordshire Drives: Vauxhall Tigra 1.8
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Old but great
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Rich H
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Registered: 26th Oct 05
Location: West Sussex Drives: E46 M3
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Think I've heard 1 v similar to that before but still
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