mattwhite
Member
Registered: 22nd Jun 03
Location: Northamptonshire
User status: Offline
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I thought id start a joke thread, i need a laugh... i'll start
''the hitman''
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome to play along."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.
I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom."
Ha, Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here."
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James
Member
Registered: 1st Jun 02
Location: Surrey
User status: Offline
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7 out of 10
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Edd
Member
Registered: 8th Nov 04
Location: Glasgow
User status: Offline
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but in reality teh hitman would have took the two shots and got more money
theyre not the samaritans you know
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Marc
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Registered: 11th Aug 02
Location: York
User status: Offline
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mattwhite
Member
Registered: 22nd Jun 03
Location: Northamptonshire
User status: Offline
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''The affair''
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they
made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8p.m. as the man threw on his clothes,
he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
[Edited on 18-09-2006 by mattwhite]
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Marc
Member
Registered: 11th Aug 02
Location: York
User status: Offline
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Ace!
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James
Member
Registered: 1st Jun 02
Location: Surrey
User status: Offline
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8 out of 10 for the second one 
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mattwhite
Member
Registered: 22nd Jun 03
Location: Northamptonshire
User status: Offline
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''BJ Frod''
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for £50," the clerk says. "£50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be
bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
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James
Member
Registered: 1st Jun 02
Location: Surrey
User status: Offline
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hhhmm, 8.5
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mattwhite
Member
Registered: 22nd Jun 03
Location: Northamptonshire
User status: Offline
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getting better then, anyone else got any?
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Eck
Premium Member
Registered: 17th Apr 06
Location: Lundin Links, Fife
User status: Offline
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where do you find a dog with no legs?...
...
...
...
wherever you left it.
I'll shut up now
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James
Member
Registered: 1st Jun 02
Location: Surrey
User status: Offline
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What's a shitzu?
A zoo with no animals in it
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mattwhite
Member
Registered: 22nd Jun 03
Location: Northamptonshire
User status: Offline
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''Balloons''
A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mummy, Mummy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.
"Well, son, "she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven."
Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.
Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen and screams, "Mummy, Mummy! Aunt Eliza is dying!"
"What do you mean?" says his mother.
"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling, "God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!!"
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James
Member
Registered: 1st Jun 02
Location: Surrey
User status: Offline
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9 out of 10 
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MatthewR
Member
Registered: 21st Oct 02
Location: Rickmansworth
User status: Offline
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at all of them
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mattwhite
Member
Registered: 22nd Jun 03
Location: Northamptonshire
User status: Offline
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'the local drunk'
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your f*cking wheelchair again."
'Dancing man'
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.
He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My arsehole itches, and I can't scratch it!"
'the barman'
A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.
“This is a stickup!” He yells. “Put all your dough in a bag!”
“Don’t shoot,” pleads the barkeep. “I’ll do whatever you say!”
The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All right, now give me a blow job!”
“Anything!” cries the bartender. “Just don’t shoot!”
The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.
The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun, dammit,” he says. “One of my friends might walk in!”
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Marc
Member
Registered: 11th Aug 02
Location: York
User status: Offline
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Liam
Member
Registered: 19th Jan 06
Location: Stafford
User status: Offline
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Not bad 
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woodywoods12345
Member
Registered: 24th Oct 05
User status: Offline
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man walks into a bakers and says "ill have 12 baps please!"
baker- "white or brown bread"
man- "NONE! IVE GOT THE BIKE!"
AHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
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