leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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Bruce is driving over the Sydney HarbourBridge one day when he sees his
> girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.
>
> Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think
> you're doing?"
>
> Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says,
>
> "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
>
> Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth
> Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag but you're a real sport too."
> And drives off.
>
> ***************************************************************
>
> There's an Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman all talking about their
> teenage daughters.
>
> The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I
> found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know
> she smokes".
>
> The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the
> other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really
> shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
>
> With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry
about.
> I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of
> condoms. I was really shocked.
> I didn't even know she had a willy."
>
> *************************************************
> Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they left
> the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the
railings
> of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of
> this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and
gave
> her a good seeing to.
>
> "Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying.
>
> Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?" Will sobbed "My
> head won't fit between the railings"
>
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the
> recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill
> herself and join him in death.
>
> Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
> Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart
> since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the
> vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her
> doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
> "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left
> breast."
>
> Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
> wound to her knee.
>
> ***************************************************************
>
> A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
> stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the
> bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately
falls
> absolutely quiet.
>
> In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you
tell
> that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that
> you should know five things:
> 1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
> 2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
> 3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
> 4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight
> lifter.
> 5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
>
> Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"
>
> The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah.
> Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
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