leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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These gags and tales are highly funny, so if you wet your pants dont blame me. Oh and if you've heard them before, just laugh longer.
Good. Away we go...
John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Helen.
"I've got a problem," says Helen.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big Rooster," replies Helen.
"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Helens house and she leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Helen and says, "For f*cks sake put the Cornflakes back in the box."
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw". The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.
The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!''
The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
A man walks into a bar and sits down for a drink. The woman sitting next to him couldn't help but notice the sad look on his face as he orders a drink. She proceeds to ask him "What's wrong"
"My wife left me," the man replies.
"Oh, that is so sad, I am sorry to here that," says the woman. "Why did she leave you?"
"Well, to be honest, she said that I was too kinky."
The woman then says "Well, you won't believe this, but just last year my husband left me, for the very same reason. What do you say we finish these drinks, head back to my place, and see what happens?"
The man agrees, And when they get back to her place, she tells him to make himself comfortable and proceeds to the bedroom. She decides to make the best of it, and pulls out her finest kinky outfit. Black leather boots that go to her knees. Crotchless panties, and a bustier in black patent leather. A spiked collar and long black gloves. She ties her hair back in a tight pony tail, grabs her whip and heads for the door.
As she walks out she sees the man just opening the door to leave. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I thought we were going to have some fun."
The man replies , "I already f*cked your dog and sh*t in your purse. I'm out of here."
Blonde Mothers Letter...
Dear Child:
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and
haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.
We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Barbara out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl your
sister is going to name it after me; she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends
were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the boot open.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom
PS - I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow," the first guy says, "did you get a blow job?"
"No," says the second friend. "I couldn't find her head."
After buying a tin of 'Alphabetti Spaghetti' in my local supermarket I was horrified
to find that by arranging the letters on the side of my young cousins plate, not only was I able to spell the word 'f**k', but also 'sh*t' and 'w*nk' as well. Its coming to something when supermarkets openly peddle filth like this to young children.
They say that honesty is the best policy. Well, the other day I told a motorcyclist in the pub that his girlfriend was boot ugly, which was the truth. In reward for my honesty I received a broken nose, lost eight teeth, swollen testicles and have suffered blackouts ever since.
When I was 4 my grandad bought me a jigsaw to keep me occupied while he went on a picnic with my gran. Imagine his surprise when he returned to find that I had managed to plug it in and cut 7 of my fingers off.
I am absolutely amazed at the poor state of driving in this country. Only yesterday, in very dense fog, I overtook dozens of motorists who were doing in excess of 90mph.
The other day I gave my pet rabbit a bath using Body Shop Shampoo and I was horrified to see its eyes go red and swell like golf balls. If Body Shop had had the sense to test their products on labratory animals like everyone else, my rabbit would have been saved a considerable amount of discomfort.
A couple of years ago at a golf tournament I pissed in a urinal which had just been vacated by Sean Connery of James Bond fame. This was without doubt the most exciting moment of my life to date. I guess the same cannot be said of Mr Connery who hasnt mentioned the incident since.
They say that a cat always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped it lands buttered side down. As an experiment I threw my neighbours cat off the top of a multistorey car park with a piece of buttered toast strapped to its back. I was later arrested.
A fold away bed seemed like a great space saving idea, as my grandad and his wife are retired and live in a rather small fourth floor flat. So they purchased a bed and attached it to the wall, only to awake the next morning lying in the street suffering multiple injuries.
Imagine their surprise when laughing ambulance men pointed out that the bed should have been fixed to an inside wall and not an outside one.
Surely it is wrong for such potentially dangerous products to be sold without adequate instructions for their use.
Realising she had no cigarettes, my auntie decided to borrow my uncles car to nip and get some. It wasnt until she had reversed into their next door neighbours sitting room that she remembered she couldnt drive.
I got the shock of my life the other morning whilst digging away on my vegetable patch at the bottom of the garden. My spade struck something solid beneath the soil - a human skull!
I was horrified at first, but the situation was easily explained by the local vicar who informed me that the house was previously owned by a mass murderer.
The other day whilst riding on my bicycle a reckless driver knocked me flying, fracturing my skull and breaking both my legs in the process. Imagine my surprise when the driver opened the door and offered me a drink from his half empty whisky bottle before staggering off for help. Its nice to know that some people are still kind, considerate and helpful, and I am now well on the road to recovery in the intensive care unit at the local hospital.
During World War II my grandad was stationed in Northern France just after D Day. He was feeling lonley and depressed and unhappy at being a soldier. He told this to his seargant who said, 'Go and speak to the army chaplain' Unfortunately he misheard him and thought he said 'Go and speak to Charlie Chaplain' so he took a flight to Hollywood that day.
Luckily, when they found him the Military Police saw the funny side, and it took the firing squad a good 20 minutes to stop laughing.
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