Twiggy
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Registered: 15th Oct 04
User status: Offline
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i fancy myself as a comedian so what you think of these
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?
If for out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!
I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.
She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.
Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!
Police Deptartment
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm... for!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Drivers License
A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”
“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”
“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.
“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”
“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”
“Because you got an F in sex.”
Cop on Horse
A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the richard goes underneath the horse, not on top."
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Dan. T
Member
Registered: 6th Jan 05
Location: Northampton Drives: Astra Coupe SE2
User status: Offline
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Go for it Twiggy can't be any worse than Jimmy Carr!!!
Though in all seriousness Edinburgh Comdey festival you can hire comedy clubs & try out you material, thats where people like Eddie Izzard were discovered 
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J da Silva
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Registered: 10th Apr 03
Location: The FACTory
User status: Offline
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I've read alot of them on t'interweb. 
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Twiggy
Member
Registered: 15th Oct 04
User status: Offline
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are u sure! i thought of em meself!
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J da Silva
Member
Registered: 10th Apr 03
Location: The FACTory
User status: Offline
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Yes, and 2 of them have been the chatnames of my friends MSN Msg'er
My friend Fran had "If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular" as her msn name and the cheese one.
[Edited on 23-11-2005 by VenomTurbo]
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Charlene
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Registered: 29th Sep 04
Location: Darlington
User status: Offline
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Well im sure they would laugh but not at the jokes at you 
Only jokingggg
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corsa|chris
Member
Registered: 17th Nov 05
Location: Staffordshire
User status: Offline
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Some were definately better than others 
Not bad though overall
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Twiggy
Member
Registered: 15th Oct 04
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Charlene
Well im sure they would laugh but not at the jokes at you
Only jokingggg
Bitch!
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marklaruk
Member
Registered: 4th Sep 04
Location: Leeds
User status: Offline
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But none were his own
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Charlene
Member
Registered: 29th Sep 04
Location: Darlington
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Twiggy
quote:
Originally posted by Charlene
Well im sure they would laugh but not at the jokes at you
Only jokingggg
Bitch!
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burgess
Member
Registered: 22nd Feb 04
Location: Norton, North Yorkshire
User status: Offline
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are you an american?
it says $2.00 not £2.00
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”
clearly american again!
I like to give credit where credit is due but sorry I can copy and paste!
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Butler
Member
Registered: 2nd Jun 05
Location: London
User status: Offline
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stick to drinking
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