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...you can’t have one because it would mean telling your friends and family that you’d bought a Vauxhall. Which is exactly the same as telling them that your whole life has been a failure.

This new Astra, to my mind, has the same ring as Marks & Spencer and the Consumers’ Association. It’s worthy and sensible but blighted with a badge that says you’re an absolute dullard and that you may live in Baldock. Certainly you will have a pair of Rohan trousers. Vauxhall is a badge of honour for those who think a prawn cocktail is exotic, London is dirty and there’s nothing wrong with an own-brand stereo system.

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it’s a Vauxhall Astra, which has the social appeal of herpes

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Vauxhalls have always been my bête noire, because they’ve always been so depressingly dull. Magnolia paint with a tax disc. As appealing and as tasty as warm skimmed milk. As dynamic as someone who’s dead.

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