Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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A Woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell, walked in, and was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him
no end. Every time he sees me in this dress he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she stripped, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting
for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
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trisha corsa gsi
Member
Registered: 13th May 04
Location: doncaster
User status: Offline
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old but  
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Haimsey
Premium Member
Registered: 8th May 05
Location: Nottingham Drives: Corsa B
User status: Offline
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Marcy Marc 
White Sport Progress Thread
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Edd
Member
Registered: 8th Nov 04
Location: Glasgow
User status: Offline
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never seen it so
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SteveW
Member
Registered: 15th Jul 02
Location: Up in the clouds
User status: Offline
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a proper mans man there
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Gez G
Member
Registered: 12th May 04
Location: Glasgow
User status: Offline
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Oldie but goodie (the joke that is)
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Carly
Member
Registered: 21st Aug 03
Location: sheffield
User status: Offline
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Charlene
Member
Registered: 29th Sep 04
Location: Darlington
User status: Offline
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Bart
Member
Registered: 19th Aug 02
Location: Midsomer Norton, Bristol Avon
User status: Offline
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richard_syko
Banned
Registered: 17th Dec 03
Location: Newport, Wales
User status: Offline
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Haha
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Nismo
Member
Registered: 12th Sep 02
User status: Offline
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Kathryn W
Member
Registered: 12th Oct 03
Location: Widnes, Cheshire
User status: Offline
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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I have a poor one 
ERE WAS this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and
jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring
his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of
his PENIS which he readily decided to do something about.
He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand,
except for his penis, which he left sticking out!
Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon
seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with
her cane, remarking to the other little old lady.
"There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady said, "what do you mean?"
The first old lady said, "Look at that. . . When I was 20 I was curious about
it; when I was 30 I enjoyed it; when I was 40 I asked for it; when I was
50 I paid for it; when I was 60 I prayed for it; when I was 70 I forgot about
it, and now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild--and I'm too old
to squat!"
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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Another new set  Z
Peter Kay one liners ...
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.
My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For
ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break
my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it
was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a
good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? Me neither.
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don't understand, such as working for a living.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize....
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Charlene
Member
Registered: 29th Sep 04
Location: Darlington
User status: Offline
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some good ones there tom
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leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.
But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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PMSL ^^^^ that's ace
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Leighton
Member
Registered: 21st Feb 01
Location: Liverpool
User status: Offline
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vibrio
Banned
Registered: 28th Feb 01
Location: POAH
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Bart
thats almost as funny as the joke
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richard_syko
Banned
Registered: 17th Dec 03
Location: Newport, Wales
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by leeshez
A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.
But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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