leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
|
Top Tips....
>
>1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
>pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
>blockage is almost instantly removed.
>
>2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
>you from going back to sleep.
>
>3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
>getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
>
>4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
>nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
>
>5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
>chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing
>in the first place, you fat b******s.
>
>6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.. The
>following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
>thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
>the wall.
>
>7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
>seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into
>the bath.
>
>8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
>own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
>bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
>
>9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one
>and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
>
>10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
>drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
>place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously
>'erased'.
>
>11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
>closer to what you want to look at.
>
>12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
>the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
>
>13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
>direction of oncoming traffic.
>
>14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
>lard.
>
>15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start
>eating cakes again.
>
>16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
>ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
>
>17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
>imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
>intended destination in the first place.
>
>18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
>inexpensive vibrator.
>
>19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
>steroids by running a bit slower.
>
>20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
>simply p*ssing in the sink.
>
>21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar
>by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
>
>22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
>steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
>substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
>difference.
>
>23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
>doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
>about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
>
>24. Spice up your s*x life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s*x'. Take your
>missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
>wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
>
>25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment
>always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the
>garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
>stain and check that it has gone.
>
>26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames
>of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
>
>27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for
>a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
>
>28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
>windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red
>lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
>
>29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
>your chin in a bowl of iron fillings..
>
>30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device
>by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a
>JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the
>lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a
>Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
>
>31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on
>toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
[Edited on 15-08-2005 by leeshez]
|
richard_syko
Banned
Registered: 17th Dec 03
Location: Newport, Wales
User status: Offline
|
|
Chump
Member
Registered: 1st Feb 04
Location: Sharnbrook
User status: Offline
|
|
Chump
Member
Registered: 1st Feb 04
Location: Sharnbrook
User status: Offline
|
25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment
>always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the
>garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
>stain and check that it has gone.
i almost choked on my cup of tea when i read this
|
Gavin
Premium Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: West Midlands
User status: Offline
|
>31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on
>toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
pew pew pew pewwwww
|
Jake
Member
Registered: 24th Jan 05
User status: Offline
|
|
Jackooo
Member
Registered: 25th Jan 05
Location: Darlo
User status: Offline
|
A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
>you from going back to sleep. hahaha im gunna try this!
|
Jonny P
Member
Registered: 11th Dec 04
Location: Merseyside Drives: Civic Type R EP3
User status: Offline
|
actually made me laff out loud
|
SteveW
Member
Registered: 15th Jul 02
Location: Up in the clouds
User status: Offline
|
some of those are wicked
|
TNM
Member
Registered: 5th Apr 04
Location: Nottingham Drives: VW Tiguan
User status: Offline
|
They are all from Vizz.
|
Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
|
some of those are class like marker pen was classic
|
Korsa
Member
Registered: 25th Jan 03
Location: Cardiff S.Wales Drives :Blue/Purple Corsa
User status: Offline
|
31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on
>toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
good idea
|
Carly
Member
Registered: 21st Aug 03
Location: sheffield
User status: Offline
|
quote:
Originally posted by TNM
They are all from Vizz.
True, but they're still funny
|
Carl
Member
Registered: 9th May 04
Location: Jimmy Bennett's la la land.
User status: Offline
|
quote:
Originally posted by Gavin
>31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on
>toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
hahaha i do this, love getting paid to have a shit!
|
TNM
Member
Registered: 5th Apr 04
Location: Nottingham Drives: VW Tiguan
User status: Offline
|
quote:
Originally posted by CrazyCarlo
quote:
Originally posted by Gavin
>31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on
>toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
hahaha i do this, love getting paid to have a shit!
Ther is something special about taking a crap in work time.
I sit and play games on my phone or delete text messages knowing that im getting paid
|
leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
|
quote:
Originally posted by TNM
They are all from Vizz.
Yes that what the email said which i recived.
|
