leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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>A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and
>spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted
>"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I'd meet him an hour
>ago, but I don't know where I am."
>
>The woman below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
>approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
>north
>latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
>
>"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.
>
>"I am" replied the woman, "how did you know?"
>
>"Well" answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
>correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and
>the fact is that I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help
>at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
>
>The woman below responded "You must be in Management."
>
>"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
>
>"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
>going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
>air.
>You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you
>expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in
>exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's
>my
>fault!"
>
>
>
>16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
>by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
>
>1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
>the same night.
>
>2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
>not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
>be
>"meetings."
>
>3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
>
>4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
>want
>you to share yours with them.
>
>5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
>
>6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (I wish I
>had!)
>
>7. Never lick a steak knife.
>
>8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
>
>9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
>reason why we observe daylight savings time.
>
>10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
>that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
>from her at that moment.
>
>11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
>a
>big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21
>.
>12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
>religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
>we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
>
>13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice
>person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
>
>14. Your friends love you anyway.
>
>15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
>built
>the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
>
>16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as
>grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they
>turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
>
>FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast
>implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030,
>there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
>erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
>?
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