Colin
Member
Registered: 4th Apr 02
User status: Offline
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A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and
relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit
the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance
who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest
feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you
will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false,
you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all
eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette
said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was
surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three"
and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked
into the mirror and said, "I think... " and was promptly sucked into the
magic mirror...
--
A 75 year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave
the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample
tomorrow."
The next day, the 75 year old man returned to the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor
asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this...
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried
with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it
between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied,
"yep, but no matter what we tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get
the bloody jar open.
--
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a
bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a
bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and
drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette
only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister
one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to
send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she
ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup
truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send
her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it
very slowly... com-for-da-bul".
--
A Greek family is sitting around the supper table and the son asks if he can
ask a personal question. The father said, "Ask away." The young man asks his
father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised,
answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a
woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties,
they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are
like onions."
"Onions?" "Yes, when you see them, they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Can I ask a
personal question? Mum, how many kinds of penises are there?" The mother,
surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, daughter, a
man goes through three phases. In his twenties, a man's penis is like an
oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root and the balls are there for
decoration only."
--
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular
table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He
calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to
be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the
night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it
is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man, then at
the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in
your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: "Just
so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a
Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the
bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches
off my dick. Just send the wine back."
--
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the
bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into
the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies. "So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty
young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and
was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm
just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why
on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. He didn't do
any of that shit."
--
Two blokes are down the pub. As usual the subject gets onto sexton says to
the other, "How's your sex life mate?" "Not too good. Every time me and the
missus have sex, she loses interest half way through."
The first bloke says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same
problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she
started to run out of steam, I fired the pistol. It gave her such a fright
that she got all excited and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years
ago." The other bloke says, "OK, I think I'll try that."
A few days later they're back in the pub again. The first bloke says, "How
did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other bloke says, "Fuck mate!
Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having sex in the
69 position. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the
starter pistol, just like you said."
The first bloke says, "So, what happened?" The other bloke says, "She nearly
bit my cock off, shat in my face, and a man came out of the wardrobe with
his hands up!"
 
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(noticed the date tho 
