All Torque
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Registered: 17th Nov 05
Location: Milton Keynes Drives: Ford Focus TDCi
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[Standup Comedy]
Cops pulled me over the other night and asked "have you been drinking sir?" To which I replied "Why do you ask, is there a fat girl in my passenger seat?"
[/Standup Comedy]
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sam-smith
Member
Registered: 8th Jan 07
Location: plymouth, UK
User status: Offline
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the A38 walks into a bar and says im the hardest fucking road in england gimme a pint!
few mins later the M% walks in and says im the biggest hardest fucking road these is gimme a pint.
they are sat there for a while sipping there drinks when a small bit of red tarmac walks in. the both leap behind a table.
the barman asks why they are scared of a small bit of tarmac if they are so hard
they reply
thats a cyclepath! (psycho)
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Kif
Member
Registered: 13th Jan 05
Location: Doncaster, South Yorkshire
User status: Offline
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Small guy sitting in a bar.
Big thug walks up to him and gives him a karate chop and says karate chop from korea.
Later the thug walks up and gives him a judo chop and says judo chop from japan.
The small guy goes out and comes back a few minutes later, smacks the big thug on the head and knocks him out.
Then he says to the barman, when he wakes up tell him thats a crowbar from B&Q.
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All Torque
Member
Registered: 17th Nov 05
Location: Milton Keynes Drives: Ford Focus TDCi
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by sam-smith
the A38 walks into a bar and says im the hardest fucking road in england gimme a pint!
few mins later the M% walks in and says im the biggest hardest fucking road these is gimme a pint.
they are sat there for a while sipping there drinks when a small bit of red tarmac walks in. the both leap behind a table.
the barman asks why they are scared of a small bit of tarmac if they are so hard
they reply
thats a cyclepath! (psycho)
Bloody Hell  
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Dom H
Member
Registered: 14th Jun 06
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Kif
Small guy sitting in a bar.
Big thug walks up to him and gives him a karate chop and says karate chop from korea.
Later the thug walks up and gives him a judo chop and says judo chop from japan.
The small guy goes out and comes back a few minutes later, smacks the big thug on the head and knocks him out.
Then he says to the barman, when he wakes up tell him thats a crowbar from B&Q.
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Matt H
Member
Registered: 11th Sep 01
Location: South Yorkshire
User status: Offline
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A man goes to a "lady of the night", pays his $5 & gets crabs
He goes back the next day & the lady says to him "Well what did you expect for $5? Lobster?"
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Kurt
Member
Registered: 23rd Oct 05
Location: Hi
User status: Offline
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a zookeeper and his giraffe go into a pub, sit at the bar and ask for a couple of pints, they sit and drink about 4 pints each after which the giraffe colapses, the zookeepers goes to leave in embarassment when the barkeeper yells you cant leave that lying (lion) there, the zookeeper replies its a giraffe
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All Torque
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Registered: 17th Nov 05
Location: Milton Keynes Drives: Ford Focus TDCi
User status: Offline
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:crying:
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marklaruk
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Registered: 4th Sep 04
Location: Leeds
User status: Offline
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why would fish get battered outside the shop? you mean inside?
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mooney
Member
Registered: 20th Oct 05
Location: north west uk
User status: Offline
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whats brown and sticky?
a stick
why cant cars play football?
they've only got one boot
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Tommy L
Member
Registered: 21st Aug 06
Location: Northampton Drives: Audi wagon
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by All Torque
[Standup Comedy]
Cops pulled me over the other night and asked "have you been drinking sir?" To which I replied "Why do you ask, is there a fat girl in my passenger seat?"
[/Standup Comedy]
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dan-h
Member
Registered: 28th Jan 06
User status: Offline
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what did the cannibal do to his girlfriend after he ate her?
he dumped her
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dan-h
Member
Registered: 28th Jan 06
User status: Offline
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Warren G
Member
Registered: 14th May 06
Location: Kent
User status: Offline
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Man walks into a bar
ouch
even worse
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mattk
Member
Registered: 27th Feb 06
Location: St. Helens
User status: Offline
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back to the original joke, Why were the fish outside the cippy?
Would have made sense if they got battered inside the chippy 
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Colin.S
Member
Registered: 19th Oct 02
User status: Offline
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A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a cod under his arm and says to the lady 'do you sell fish cakes?' She replies 'yes'. He said 'can you save me one, it's his birthday next week'
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All Torque
Member
Registered: 17th Nov 05
Location: Milton Keynes Drives: Ford Focus TDCi
User status: Offline
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SVM 286
Member
Registered: 13th Feb 05
Location: pain
User status: Offline
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What's brown and runny?
The dude that won the London marathon today. 
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andy1868
Member
Registered: 22nd Jun 06
Location: Burscough, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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i was in B&Q the other day and some wanker in an orange jumper asked me if i wanted decking, so i sparked him
i got pulled over the other day, the policeman asked me if i had a police record, i told him i had walking on the moon.
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Matt L
Member
Registered: 17th Apr 06
User status: Offline
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OH DEAR GOD. some of these jokes are that bad there funny and some are just well shit.
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nathy_87
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Registered: 14th Aug 08
Location: West Mids. Drives: Škoda Fabia VRS 5J
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thats shite you said OUTSIDE,
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All Torque
Member
Registered: 17th Nov 05
Location: Milton Keynes Drives: Ford Focus TDCi
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by andy1868
i was in B&Q the other day and some wanker in an orange jumper asked me if i wanted decking, so i sparked him
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All Torque
Member
Registered: 17th Nov 05
Location: Milton Keynes Drives: Ford Focus TDCi
User status: Offline
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I was drinking in the pub the other night with my mate Sid and it was getting late so we heading back to his house. after getting up he fell forwards and smacked his head on the table, losing some teeth and biting his lip.
He managed to crawl out of the pub door and into the street. He used a bench to pull himself up but slipped again and SLAMMED into the pavement breaking his jaw, nose and blackening an eye.
We then got into a taxi which dropped us off outside his house, but he fell out of the taxi and hit the kerd breaking some ribs and his knee.
Battered and broken he hauled himself to the door but fell through it covering himself in splinters, breaking both wrists and twisting an ankle.
his wife rushed down the stairs after hearing all this noise and said "Where the hell have you been?", Sid said "Just down the pub love, had too much to drink".....
His wife replied "I know, and you've come home without your wheelchair!"
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Kurt
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Registered: 23rd Oct 05
Location: Hi
User status: Offline
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SVM 286
Member
Registered: 13th Feb 05
Location: pain
User status: Offline
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I always forget the punchline for that one so it always makes me lollercopter 
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