Mein Herr
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Registered: 29th Jan 08
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Have you any stories about mental other halfs (Girls obviously you can do guy stories, but we all know that WE arent the mental ones)
This is a true story about my best mate Paul and his lunar bird.
I've another one saved somewhere about my lunar lass so i'll add that in due course.
Ok so my best mate Paul and me are out on the pull in Maidenhead and he is chatting up this (in hindsight rather looney bird) and she is giving him all kind of come ons, and one thing leads to another and he goes back to her house (he was my flatmate) and over the coming weeks he begins to move in with her slowly but surely.
Before he does this, his Ex girlfriend Paula has asked if she can stay at ours for a while (paula was half brazilian and her mother was a brazilian hooker, and her and Paul had moved down from Boro together and had been getting on fine untill she started to fuck other guys) he says yeah cos what the fuck harm can it do, and as he begins to move out, she begins to move in. She also moves her HUGE asain boyfriend in, and he moves about four of his fucking mates in and they begin to.....well what could only be described as 'Run a drug business' in my fucking living room, and i am trying to sleep at night and hearing them take turns to fuck this silly whore in my fucking kitchen and shit, and they never EVER put fifty cunting p in the meter and sit in the fucking dark and then say yo man, we need tricity!! COCKS.....ive digresed
So Paul has moved in with Jan, and her two kids aged 8 and 4 and he is playing daddy, and they drink white wine and listen to shite music and watch porn and its all fucking wierd, cos i can see Pauls soul dying but he tells me he is happy. Then our mate jon says that she tried to come onto him when Paul and me were out, and we are like 'Fuck off Jon' and we get on with our days/ Then one night Paul goes to get something (probably more cunting white wine) from the shop, and she grabs my cock and says he doesnt need to know or something like that. Im off and running, back to the house of horrors. The next day She phones and says it was a drunken mistake and it will never happen again, and i give her the benefit of the doubt, cos i dont want to hurt Paul, and i am irresistable (once you get to know me, and if you dont like Don mclean 'Chain lightening') so we go about our business, i take to popping round in the afternoons on my way to do deliveries for work just to make sure she isnt fucking anyone else, and talk eventually turns to Marraige.
She is a manic depressive who almost constantly tries to kill herself and drinks to cover that up, but Paul reckons a wedding will sort her out a date is set and we all go to Swainby in Yorkshire where Pauls family live for the wedding and its ace (this is where the amazing poo in the pocket story comes from) and everything seems good, and they go on honeymoon, and maybe Paul was right and everything would be okay.
Some time later Paul turns up on my doorstep (ive moved) and tells me she has kicked him out, because she believes he is untrustworthy. He says its over and asks if i fancy going away for a weekend and go to Nottingham where we hear its 5-1 in favour of women, but i cant fucking get off work so i bail and he goes with Jon ane he fucks a fat girl called Claire (which we all know is a fat girls name) and when he gets home i tell him jan has been round and is sorry and wants him back, so he goes to patch things up and things seem okay untill Jons conquest phones and spills the beans about the fat girl and Jan goes apeshit (which i dont get, cos they were on a break ) and tells him its over forever and he comes back to my house, and a day later she says she has forgiven him, cos they were on a break and all.
And he goes home and she makes him swear he will never ever fuck another fat girl called Claire, and he does cos he's a good guy. And then she says she understands, and she lays him on his back and begins to suck his dick, and then she climbs on top and start fucking him and he notices she is crying and gradually the tears are turning to wails as she is fucking him, then she starts to shout i forgive you and she punches him in the face. Paul says (i guess) 'WHAT THE FUCK' and she keeps fucking and says im sorry and punches him in the face again, and he tries to get up and she fucks him down and punches him screaming saying hes a bastard and he's scared now and tries to get up, but she fucks him down and keeps fucking him and punching him in the face and screaming and then she cums, he cums, she says i cant forgive you ever and kicks him out. And that was fucking that!!!!
We later find out that she has been cheating on him the whole length of their relationship, including on her hen night, on their WEDDING DAY, and throughout the whole relationship, including telling him she couldnt trust him and kicking him out and moving her ex IN for three days. She was nuttyer than squirrel shit that cunt.
[Edited on 14-10-2008 by Mein Herr]
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Robbo
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Registered: 6th Aug 02
Location: London
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bullshit or not, thats amsuing
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Mein Herr
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Registered: 29th Jan 08
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quote:
Originally posted by Robbo
bullshit or not, thats amsuing
I dont tell lies man. Its 100% true.
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Mein Herr
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Registered: 29th Jan 08
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Ok i found the other one i had saved.
I was at a work conference, and late on (im always last at the bar) im sat with two other managers from different stores who i havnt met before. A bloke who i cant remember and this chick Becky.
I have always had a sneaky thing for redheads, and she was quite red-headed, and she looked THROUGH me with her eyes, and i fucking love people who do that. You know what i mean, they stare into your eyes and are violating your soul. Most women do this when they are drunk, their eyes screaming 'You are amazing, i love listening to you, and i want to fuck you to death later'
She hang out when everyone else had gone and we got on like a house on fire.
We stayed in touch after the meeting and eventually i agreed to go and visit her in Boston (lincs not massa) i got there in the evening, and she started telling me about the stump (look it up) and i have since found out that everyone in Boston does that.
So we went to hers and from there to some fucking studenty bar where some fucking studenty band she knew was playing, and i was all like 'Oh this is soo cool' which it wasnt but what the fuck.
We meet a fucking mishmash of oddball friends, wierd girl who lived in a house with no furniture (i didnt ask) her lesbian sister and her lover who had like 40 cats and were all about 'girl power' but still got me to fucking move their washing machine. A skinny bloke from her work who was so fucking flightly i thought he would take off.
I was already thinking, this was all a bit odd, but still i was in her town and my train wasnt leaving for a day or two so i thought fuck it.
We went back to hers that night and.....well basically i said i didnt want to fuck her because we had only just met, and she basically just went ahead and raped me anyway.
I went home thinking 'i HAVE to see this girl again' and a week or two later she visited and was really fucking wierd around all my friends and family doing things like not talking and just smiling and staring into space. She was freaking me out a bit, but then at mine she raped me again, and i thought, this just might work.
I have no idea how long later or whose idea it was but she moved in, she packed her whole life into a mini metro and drove to my house. She put a green sheet on my bed that first night, which i didnt like, she also played Lennon 'Watching the wheels go round' and tried to explain to me how it was this amazing experience, then she played Jim fucking Croce 'time in a bottle' again and a fucking gain and she didnt have a cd player and put a record player under the bed and would just reach down and put these shitty songs on again and again and rock from side to side humming. OH yeah the other one was Don Mclean 'Chain lightening' and she wanted to listen to it during coitus and it was fucking freaking me out.
She carried my poetry around everywhere and started telling people i was 'a poet' she got obsessed with Dylan and would make me sit for hours playing every dylan track and explaining the lyrics and shit........oh fuck its all coming back.
I introduced her to my Sister and she told MY FUCKING SISTER that i had a big cock and was great in bed. I was fucking mortified, although not i would think as much as my sister. I took her to my familys for christmas, and within ten minutes of us arriving she dissapeared upstairs and didnt re-appear.
Ok so these are the REAL issues. I have a very weird metabolism, and i get hungry at really odd times, and she would freak out if i didnt want any food when she did. But the worst thing was her insane Jealousy. She was fucking terrifyingly jealous. I was working away in Milton keynes which was at best an hour and a half drive home, and if i was five minutes later one night than the last, she would fly into a fucking hysterical rage and id have to hold her arms untill she calmed down, and then she would sit on the bed sobbing uncontrollably. I was fucking gutted. It went on for a while with certain things getting more and more scary, i found out she was following me and asking friends about my actions. She then told me that her dad had hung himself and that she had found him, that her brother was a manic depressive and that she had to look after him etc etc it was all so fucking barmy. She was so fucking off key i couldnt begin to remember everything at all, but i have tried to get at least some of the oddness down here for you.
So one day i get home from work and she is sitting on the (green sheeted) bed and crying and tells me there is something she has to tell me, but cant...... the conversation lasts hours with her crying i just cant i cant tell you, etc etc
Eventually i get fucked off and no longer care what the fuck this nutty cunt wants to tell me but cant, so i fuck off out. I am so at the end of my tether, i cant take this barmy shit no mo, so i wait for her to go to work the next day and i pack all her shit in her shitty little Metro and when she gets home and says what the fuck, i tell her to jog the fuck on, cos you are a nut etc etc.
She sporadically turns up at the house sobbing and shit, and bringing blokes round to make me pissed off, and i am thinking poor cunt, run for your life. We are at a managers meeting and she spent (i shit you not) the WHOLE 7 hours staring at the ceiling and whittering to herself and laughing. I am startin to get freaked out and thinking maybe this bitch gonna kill me, when suddenly out of the blue, she dissapears. She has left her job and fucking vanished POOF!
Then about a month later this lad i know tells me she is working in a clares accessories in Boston and that she never speaks of living in Maidenhead.
A few months after this i am helping my company close all their stores down before they pulled out of the country, and i am in boston with the fucking circus freaks, and she walks in and says (as if its the most normal thing in the world) 'I think we need to have a coffee' I think fuck it i'll go incase she stabs me or something. She sits down opposite and tells me that she has sorted herself out, she has a new man who isnt a patch on me yadda yadda, then out of nowhere she says
'I do love him Andy but....' and she leans into me 'he beats me'
I get up and fucking walk out of the coffee shop go to the store, finish my job and leave and am sighing with relief as i drive down the A1.
That chick was astonishingly mental. I think she may have had some bad shit in her past, and i should have given her a massive swerve but fuck it, if nothing else its a decent story on here eh?
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willay
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Organiser: South East, National Events
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Registered: 10th Nov 02
Location: Roydon, Essex
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quote:
and he tries to get up and she fucks him down
LMAO
[Edited on 14-10-2008 by willay]
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myke
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Registered: 7th Feb 01
Location: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire
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fucking LOL.
:LOL:
if that's off the cuff, you're a hero/.
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stubbsy05
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Registered: 23rd Oct 02
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Are you Paul_J using a new ID?
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Mein Herr
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Registered: 29th Jan 08
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No im not Paul_j and i dont know who he is.
It was off the cuff when i wrote it, i had it saved since then.
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stubbsy05
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Registered: 23rd Oct 02
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quote:
Originally posted by Mein Herr
sleep at night and hearing them take turns to fuck this silly whore in my fucking kitchen and shit, and they never EVER put fifty cunting p in the meter and sit in the fucking dark and then say yo man, we need tricity!! COCKS.....ive digresed
What did you do about this?
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Mein Herr
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Registered: 29th Jan 08
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quote:
Originally posted by Alex.S
What did you do about this?
I moved out.
Into a shitty bedsit where i could smell eggs in bed all night when i cooked them at 3pm, and the guy downstairs used to hang his shit drippin laundry over the bath, and walk around in nettles in his shorts in the garden to help some accute pain he said he had in his bollocks, but i reckon he was a pederast and i could see his feet between the bars when i looked downstairs, he just stood there watching me.
It was ok
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C2RL R
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Registered: 28th Mar 02
Location: Redcliffe, QLD
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i've just added you on facebook as i wanted to see if you are actually a normal (ish) person.
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Russ
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Registered: 14th Mar 04
Location: Armchair
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i think i love you
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Daimo B
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Registered: 20th Mar 00
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OJC???
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Mein Herr
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Registered: 29th Jan 08
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Whats ojc?
Oh jesus christ?
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Theham85
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Registered: 29th Nov 06
Location: Brisbane Queensland
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Nah its obviously "Old Jaffa cakes" 
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Mobby
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Registered: 31st Dec 07
Location: Leicestershire
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W T F
I couldnt see myself getting into that situation. this is crazy!!!!
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Daimo B
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Registered: 20th Mar 00
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quote:
Originally posted by Mein Herr
Whats ojc?
Oh jesus christ?
He returns. 
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Mobby
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Registered: 31st Dec 07
Location: Leicestershire
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also why is all this written down?? isit your diary or someone else's??
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SVM 286
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Registered: 13th Feb 05
Location: pain
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quote:
Originally posted by VXR
OJC???
Allegedly not. 
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Mein Herr
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Registered: 29th Jan 08
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quote:
Originally posted by mobby
also why is all this written down?? isit your diary or someone else's??
I posted it in a similar thread on another site i post on, i just c and p'd it to here.
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Daimo B
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Registered: 20th Mar 00
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quote:
Originally posted by SVM 286
quote:
Originally posted by VXR
OJC???
Allegedly not.
I don't believe him :lol
Mein Herr, I watched an interesting program about Hitler, and people putting together his words from old video footage. Would you like to know more?
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C2RL R
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Registered: 28th Mar 02
Location: Redcliffe, QLD
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you sound like the voice-over guy on starship troopers!
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Daimo B
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Registered: 20th Mar 00
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Ellis
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Registered: 11th Sep 07
Location: Aberdeenshire
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Haha
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redhotpanther
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Registered: 18th Aug 08
Location: Lincolnshire
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Dude hook me up with whatever you are on!
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