steviegsi
Member
Registered: 25th May 01
Location: Cumbernauld, North Lanarkshire
User status: Offline
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The most messed up day of my life.
This has been the most messed up disturbing day of my entire life. Now, I bet some of you are thinking that I'm exagerating. Let me assume you, after you read what happened to me today, you'll understand why i'm sitting here wrapped in a blanket, chewing handfuls of prozac tablets.
I should start at the beginning.
I got up pretty early this morning, I had a one hour exam at 9.00am that didn't go all that great, so I decided to blow off some steam and go round to see one of my friends and have a few drinks. Rob doesn't live on campus, so what I normally do is drive over there, spend the day drinking with him, go out in the evening, stay over and drive back in the morning.
I got to his house at about midday, and knocked on the door. It wasn't Rob that answered though, it was some middle aged woman, in a business suit. She pulled open the door and said "Wow, who are you?"
"wow"? I thought, thats strange, and if she means me, thats pretty cool. But I pushed it to the back of my mind. "I'm Paul, Rob's mate. Who are you?" I said.
It turned out that she was Rob's mum. Apparantly, She was staying with Rob for a few weeks while her house was being renovated. She said "Errm, Robert should be back soon, you wanna come in and wait?"
"Sure" I said. So we both went inside and sat in the living room. She dissapeared for a second, and came back with two glasses of red wine, gave one glass to me and sat down next to me on the sofa. This was a bit strange... its a big sofa, and I'd sat on one end, but instead of her sitting on one of the chairs, or the other end of the sofa, she was sitting so close to me that our hips were touching. I decided the best thing to do would be to ignore it.
Anyway, long story short, it turned out that she was really easy to talk to, and helped by quite a lot of wine, we had a really nice chat. She kept topping up my glass, and before I knew it, I was fairly drunk, and as you do, I started checking her out.
She was actually pretty hot. Tall, short brown hair, nice face, a little bit heavy set perhaps, but extremely sexy for her years, and besides, I have a bit of a thing for women in business suits. Despite all that, I knew nothing was going to happen, Rob would be back soon, she was old enough to be my mother, and besides, I have a
girlfriend.
For all those reasons, I was somewhat taken by surprise when she suddenly grabbed my face and kissed me. I pulled away, shocked, and blurted out "I have a girlfriend, Rob's gonna be back soon, and you're..." I stopped there, deciding that calling her old would be a bit nasty.
She replied: "I'm really sorry, but I lied to you. Rob won't be back for a day or so, he's gone to visit his father... I just saw you on the doorstep looking all sexy and I knew I had to have you."
This took me totally off-gaurd. Women, as an unbreakable rule, don't find me sexy. I felt all complimented and cool that this woman actually thought I was hot. It was my undoing.
Before I knew what had happened, she's kissing me again, I'm kissing back, and we're tearing each other's clothes off as we race upstairs. She throws me on the bed, and we start fooling around. Fairly soon, we're both down to her uderwear, and she's lying on top of me, kissing my neck.
All well and good so far you might think. You'd be wrong.
I feel a slight pressure on my wrist, and a clicking noise. Its was hard to look up, because she's nuzzled into my shoulder, but then I feel my arm jerked upwards, and another clicking noise. Then she got off me.
I look up, and my left wrist is handcuffed to the headboard.
"What the hell are you doing?!??!?" I scream. She looks down at me, lying there in my pants. "I just thought, you know, we could get a bit kinky, know what I mean?" She says.
Now, I do know what she means, and in certain circmstances, I might be into that sort of thing, but not with someone who I first met an hour ago, and is the mother of one of my best mates.
"Errmm, I'm not really comfortable with this" I say "would you mind letting me out of the cuffs?"
"Don't be silly darling" she replies, dimming the lights. "Just relax and enjoy it. I'm going to do things to you that you never even dreamed of." She puts the key to the cuffs on the bedside table, just out of my reach.
Hmmm, I like the sound of that, I think to myself. "I like the sound of that" I say.
"Good. Now just stay there and relax honey, I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. I'll be right back." And she leaves the room.
So, I'm lying there handcuffed to my mate's mum's bed, feeling a mixture of fear, horniness, and embarassment that the pants i'm wearing have seen better days and are kinda frayed.
Time passes, and more time passes. The clock on the wall tells me that I've been here for about 20 minutes now. Just as I start to get really worried that she's left me there, and Rob is going to come back, find me there, and not be too impressed that I've tried to score with his mum, the bedroom door opens again, and she comes back inside. At least, I think its her.
Its kind of hard to tell, because whoever it is is wearing a full size leopard suit made of very realistic looking yellow and black fur, has painted their face yellow, and drawn on some whiskers.
"HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP!" I scream. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING!??!"
"I'm a furry." She says. "I like to dress up like an animal for sexual pleasure."
No ****, I think. At least its her and not someone else dressed as a leopard.
"It doesn't bother you does it?" She asks, looking kind of angry. At least I think she's angry, its hard to tell what someone's face is doing under an inch of yellow greasepaint. I'm suddenly very aware that I'm handcuffed to the bed.
"ha ha, of course it doesn't bother me! don't be silly" I say, biting back from screaming abuse at this freak.
"Good." She then purred, and pounced on me. Apparantly, she really took this cat thing seriously. Next thing I know, she's rubbing here head on my chest, all the while, purring, apparantly oblivious to the fact that she's smearing my body with yellow paint, and smudging her whiskers.
I decide I better not make her mad. After all, she's a 6 foot talking leopard. "Oooo, thats nice!" I say, just as things become even more disturbing. She starts to lick down my stomach, and not in a good way, its a bit rough. Then I realise what she's doing. She's cleaning me.... like a mother cat. Urrrrrrg, this is the sickest thing ever. "Ooooo, I like that!" I say.
I realise I need to escape. And to escape, I need that damn key. Its just out of reach on the bedside table. I need help. I think fast.
"Oooo, this is really hot" I say. "Turn round so I can see your tail!" ( yes, her crazy leopard suit has a full on tail )
She giggles and turns round to face away from me, still on all fours.
"wave that tail around! WOOO! YEAH!" I shout. She likes that idea, obviously, because she starts vigerously swinging her tail from side to side. Unfortunatly, it keeps smacking me in the face. However, this tail is just what I need to give me some extra reach. I grab the end of it with my free hand, and try to sweep the handcuff key onto the bed. After about three or four tries, I get it, and quickly hide the key in my palm.
Unfortunatly, all this tail tugging has got her somewhat excited. "Don't stop!" she moans urgently. So, hating myself every second, and trying to look away, I start pulling her tail, harder and harder, while she gets more and more excited.
This is where my situation, admittedly not great to start with, gets even worse, as her tail comes off in my hand with a load rip.
Immediatly, she spins round, screaming her head off. "WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE YOU LITTLE ****!" I manage a grin as she stares at the torn tail in my hand.
I have to move fast. I shove her off me, and she falls off the bed with a bump. I quickly scramble to undo the cuffs. She's just getting to her feet as I manage to get them detached from the headboard. I spring off the bed, and quickly grab my wallet and keys from the dresser and make a dash for the door.
I half run, half fall down the stairs, stumble into the hall and start fumbling with the locks on the front door, just as she gets to the top of the stairs, still screaming and with a face like bright yellow thunder.
I'm moaning softly to myself, thinking something along the lines of "I'm going to be on the news, dumped in a river with my hand cut off and shoved in my mouth" when finally the last lock comes free and I bolt out of the door, with her in hot pursuit.
My car is parked on the road, and I manage to dive inside and lock the doors, just as she skids to a halt next to the driver's door, still dressed as a leopard, and starts banging on the window, screaming "GET THE HELL OUT HERE YOU LITTLE *******! I'LL RIP YOUR NUTS OFF!"
"NOT LIKELY YOU ******* PSYCHO!" I shout back, "I SHOULD REPORT YOU TO THE RSPCA OR SOMETHING YOU FREAKY WITCH!"
We're still screaming abuse at each other as she moves round to start in the front of the car, glaring at me through the windscreen. "You're not going anywhere!" she says in a soft threatening voice. "Not unless you're willing to run me over... and you havn't got the balls!"
Thats what she thinks.
Unfortunatly, she's right. I can't run her over, even if she is a total nutbag. I look around the car.
"MAYBE NOT, BUT I CAN SHOW ALL YOUR NEIGHBOURS YOUR LITTLE FETISH YOU GODDAMN FREAK!" I yell, and start hammering the horn for all I'm worth. At this, she gives a little yell and runs back inside the house, vainly trying to cover up her fur-clad body with her hands.
I sink back into my seat, exhausted. Its been a tough couple of hours. I'm still only wearing my pants, my chest is covered in yellow paint and drool, and I've got a set of handcuffs dangling from one wrist. I do a quick check... at least I havn't crapped myself.
I start the car and look back at the house of horrors, I can see her bright yellow face at one of the windows on the top floor, peeking through the curtains, so I open the sunroof and flip her off as I drive away down the street
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CorsAsh
Member
Registered: 19th Apr 02
Location: Munich
User status: Offline
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Don't you just love copy and paste? 
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Mattb
Member
Registered: 2nd Feb 03
Location: Under your sisters bed
User status: Offline
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not true i feel
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Matt H
Member
Registered: 11th Sep 01
Location: South Yorkshire
User status: Offline
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p
Member
Registered: 20th Apr 04
Location: London
User status: Offline
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is this for real ?
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Jodi_the_g
Member
Registered: 7th Aug 01
Location: Washington D.C
User status: Offline
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chewing handfuls of prozac tablets.
Its says on the bottle not to chew these but to sallow them.
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ultra_corsa
Member
Registered: 12th Jun 04
Location: Luton
User status: Offline
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if thats true thats quality... if not then i wasted 5minz of my life readin it
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myke
Member
Registered: 7th Feb 01
Location: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire
User status: Offline
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lovely story 
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Cavey
Member
Registered: 11th Nov 02
Location: Derby
User status: Offline
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Is that just a test to see how much people will actually bother to read ?
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Kyle T
Premium Member
Registered: 11th Sep 04
Location: Selby, North Yorkshire
User status: Offline
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W T F
Lotus Elise 111R
Impreza WRX STi
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stuartmitchell
Member
Registered: 24th Apr 04
Location: Kirkliston, Edinburgh
User status: Offline
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pussys pussy
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Paul_J
Member
Registered: 6th Jun 02
Location: London
User status: Offline
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fucking essay 
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Welsh Dan
Member
Registered: 23rd Mar 00
User status: Offline
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Whats the punchline?
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chr15barn3s
Member
Registered: 5th Oct 03
Location: Farnborough
User status: Offline
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:s hmm not sure if thats true but anyway
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Nath
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: MK
User status: Offline
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Doubt its real myself but still very funny
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Mistamist
Member
Registered: 16th Jul 03
Location: Gillingham, Kent
User status: Offline
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Its gotta be a Copy, Paste as you didnt say "ken" once
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Cavey
Member
Registered: 11th Nov 02
Location: Derby
User status: Offline
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And the grammar/spelling was mostly correct.
Everyone knows that most people on here can't use the English language properly
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corsa starter
Member
Registered: 20th Jan 03
User status: Offline
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sod readin tht...
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Antz
Member
Registered: 28th Jul 03
Location: Leeds Drives: Myself Insane!
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by corsa starter
sod readin tht...
seconded
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Nath
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: MK
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by M15T XE
Its gotta be a Copy, Paste as you didnt say "ken" once
Or 'fae'
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Ren
Member
Registered: 16th Oct 04
User status: Offline
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wtf i wasted 15 minutes readin that cos im pissed and cos of that it doesnt make no sense was oit funny?
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Skipz
Member
Registered: 23rd Aug 03
Location: Falkirk: Drives:nothing but gettin another Corsa
User status: Offline
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i got to the red wine part and went fuck it what a load of shite
[Edited on 19-01-2005 by h18_oab]
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Icy
Member
Registered: 31st Jan 01
Location: Edinburgh Drives: Mk3 Golf Gti
User status: Offline
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jus read it
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the_legend_of_yrag
Member
Registered: 7th Jul 03
Location: Cambridgeshire
User status: Offline
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michelle
Member
Registered: 15th Oct 03
Location: Kirkintilloch, Glasgow
User status: Offline
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If that's true that's got to be one of the funniest things I've heard
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