col
Member
Registered: 1st May 08
Location: cumbria
User status: Offline
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An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
A Prim ary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time..
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would
you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
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Mobby
Member
Registered: 31st Dec 07
Location: Leicestershire
User status: Offline
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Mobby
Member
Registered: 31st Dec 07
Location: Leicestershire
User status: Offline
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the best:
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
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DannyB
Premium Member
Registered: 6th Feb 08
User status: Offline
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Hmm seems to be a certain theme with these jokes...can't put my finger on it though.
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Ian W
Member
Registered: 8th Nov 03
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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There all new 
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Cosmo
Member
Registered: 29th Mar 01
Location: Im the real one!
User status: Offline
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When Ian sees this you're banned for sure homie.
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nathy_87
Member
Registered: 14th Aug 08
Location: West Mids. Drives: koda Fabia VRS 5J
User status: Offline
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love it!!
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col
Member
Registered: 1st May 08
Location: cumbria
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Cosmo
When Ian sees this you're banned for sure homie.
 
heres another
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large black man was sitting on the coach asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you one wish, but if you don't mind, I will keep the last one for myself.
Wow, that's great' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life and now you young lady what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 30,' she responded breathlessly.
'No kidding.' He said, 'Thirty years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
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little_duke
Member
Registered: 21st Aug 06
Location: Tamworth,staffordshire Drives: rover coupe
User status: Offline
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love it!
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daymoon
Premium Member
Registered: 1st Aug 08
Location: Selby, North Yorkshire
User status: Offline
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 last one is the best IMO
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