d4za
Member
Registered: 18th Oct 06
Location: Bloxwich, West Midlands
User status: Offline
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IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME
KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU!!!
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.
THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING her SICK.
HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT
AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.
SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP,
SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK,GIZZARD,LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP
AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE
ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEYGUTS INTO
HIS SHORTS.
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THESOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.
THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES!
AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER,
HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.
SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT."
"ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.
"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED........
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!"
probably old as Gods dog ana a pea roast but i found it funny 
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Gaz
Member
Registered: 24th Aug 03
Location: Widnes, Cheshire
User status: Offline
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i fart in bed 
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Blade_sri
Member
Registered: 23rd Apr 03
Location: Pop
User status: Offline
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Rus
Member
Registered: 24th Jan 05
Location: SE London, Kent
User status: Offline
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average/poor
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Robin
Premium Member
Registered: 7th Jan 04
Location: Northants Drives: Clio 182 Cup
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Rus
average/poor
On a scale of 1 to Gibraltar?
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All Torque
Member
Registered: 17th Nov 05
Location: Milton Keynes Drives: Ford Focus TDCi
User status: Offline
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2/10 and I'm being generous because I've been drinking.
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bigdan
Member
Registered: 4th Jan 07
Location: Jarrow (Newcastle)
User status: Offline
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8/10 because ive never heard that before
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Blade_sri
Member
Registered: 23rd Apr 03
Location: Pop
User status: Offline
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scientists have geneticaly cross bread a rooster with an onion
women around the world are gobsmacked
finaly a cock that brings a tear to there eyes....
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Robin
Premium Member
Registered: 7th Jan 04
Location: Northants Drives: Clio 182 Cup
User status: Offline
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If we're doing shit jokes, here's some the way my nephew tells them.
"why did the chicken get to the other side?"
"when does an elephant have 8 wheels?
when it's a rollerskate"
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Blade_sri
Member
Registered: 23rd Apr 03
Location: Pop
User status: Offline
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Robin
Premium Member
Registered: 7th Jan 04
Location: Northants Drives: Clio 182 Cup
User status: Offline
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Exactly.
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Blade_sri
Member
Registered: 23rd Apr 03
Location: Pop
User status: Offline
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BECKHAM BRAIN POWER
Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!"
To which Beckham replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."
So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.
Beckham takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."
"No, babe, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think he would do it again."
_____________________________________________________
Real Madrid players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when Zidane walks in. "Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."
_____________________________________________________
David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the Kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks. "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session. "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."
The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," says David.
"And what have you got in it?" ask the lads.
"Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David.
______________________________________________________
Posh takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The mechanic knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her. "You don't need me to take
those dents out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place".
So she takes the car home and tries it. David spots her from the house and shouts "You silly cow! You have to wind the windows up first!"
_______________________________________________________
David Beckham is celebrating:
"57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily.
Posh asks him why he is celebrating.
He answers: "Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days."
"Is that good?" asks Posh.
"You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."
_______________________________________________________
David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head first to the ground. His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down. Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's'
manager came along and unplugged it.
______________________________________________________
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a Bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
What happened?" asked Posh.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow
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Haimsey
Premium Member
Registered: 8th May 05
Location: Nottingham Drives: Corsa B
User status: Offline
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My text off a friend earlier, read -
I dont know what all the fuss is about this shark coming to Cornwall. Its the first thing in ages thats tried to get in this country thats fucking white
Marcy Marc 
White Sport Progress Thread
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All Torque
Member
Registered: 17th Nov 05
Location: Milton Keynes Drives: Ford Focus TDCi
User status: Offline
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Haimesy = good
The others (Robin) = Dire
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Butler
Member
Registered: 2nd Jun 05
Location: London
User status: Offline
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'I don't know why adults like Harry Potter so much. Flying cars and wizards i can believe, but a ginger kid with two friends?'
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Robin
Premium Member
Registered: 7th Jan 04
Location: Northants Drives: Clio 182 Cup
User status: Offline
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That was my intention Pete 
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pdwhelan
Member
Registered: 25th Sep 06
Location: Wigan
User status: Offline
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i like them all
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Aaron
Member
Registered: 9th Aug 04
Location: Cottingham, East Riding
User status: Offline
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My gf did an awesome fart this morning 
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pdwhelan
Member
Registered: 25th Sep 06
Location: Wigan
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Aj.
My gf did an awesome fart this morning
Girls farts are NEVER awesome! they should never ever do it 
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Ste L
Member
Registered: 3rd Jul 06
Location: Manchester Drives: 106 16v Rallye
User status: Offline
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i always fart when i wake up in the morning 
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CorsAsh
Member
Registered: 19th Apr 02
Location: Munich
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Robin
"when does an elephant have 8 wheels?
when it's a rollerskate"
LMAO Does he smoke crack?
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Robin
Premium Member
Registered: 7th Jan 04
Location: Northants Drives: Clio 182 Cup
User status: Offline
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Nah, he's just shit at telling jokes like me.
It's supposed to be -
"what's grey and has 16 wheels?
an elephant on rollerskates"
But he gets excited and messes it up bless 'im
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