recarouk
Member
Registered: 30th Sep 05
Location: West Yorkshire
User status: Offline
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HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1) Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if you
were holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding the pill
in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth, allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat as in 1
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, throw away soggy pill. Take a new pill,
cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Close mouth
and hold shut for a count of ten.
4) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top or wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
5) kneel on the floor with the cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws, ignore low growls. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with
one hand whilst forcing a wooden ruler into it's mouth. Drop pill down the
ruler and rub the cat's throat vigorously.
6) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill. Make note to buy a
new ruler and pair of curtains. Carefully sweep up shattered ornaments and
vases from hearth and set aside for gluing later. Wrap cat in a large towel
and get spouse lie on the cat with it's head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force open mouth with a pencil and
blow pill down the throat.
7) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a glass of
wine to take the taste away. Apply plaster to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water.
8) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill, pour another glass
of wine. Place cat in wardrobe and close so just the head is hanging out
and jammed in place. Force mouth open with a dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with an elastic band.
9) Get screwdriver from toolbox and put door back on it's hinges. Drink
glass of wine, go and get bottle of vodka from cupboard, pour a shot and
drink in one. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last
tetanus injection. Apply vodka compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch clean one from bedroom.
10) Call fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree in neighbour's garden.
Apologise to neighbour who crashed into the fence whilst swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from packet.
11) Tie the little b*****d's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
fasten to leg of dining table, find heavy duty gardening gloves in shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fresh salmon, be rough about
it. Hold head vertically and pour in a pint of water to wash pill down.
12) Drink the rest of the vodka. Get spouse to drive you to casualty, sit
quietly whilst the doctor stitches your hands and forearm and remove pill
remnants from your right eye. Call at the furniture shop on your way home
to order new dining table.
13) Once home arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1) Wrap pill in bacon
2) Toss it in the air above dog's head.
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