mattwhite
Member
Registered: 22nd Jun 03
Location: Northamptonshire
User status: Offline
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Found on another forum I use enjoy......
Oil Change
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to garage when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change £20.00
Coffee £1.00
Total £21.00
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Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for £50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for £20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among rubbish in dustbin to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Best mate shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
1 Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycled.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first pint of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
2 Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandpit to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower petrol.
29) Discover that first pint of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
3 Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh pints of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
4 Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts £50.00
DUI £2500.00
Impound fee £75.00
Bail £1500.00
Beer £40.00
Total - - £4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!
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ed
Member
Registered: 10th Sep 03
User status: Offline
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I don't change the oil like that man... That man must be stupid or something.
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Dean_W
Member
Registered: 13th Dec 05
Location: Downham Market, Norfolk
User status: Offline
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That mans American. Explains his stupidity.
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Liam
Member
Registered: 19th Jan 06
Location: Stafford
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Dean_W
That mans American. Explains his stupidity.
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SVM 286
Member
Registered: 13th Feb 05
Location: pain
User status: Offline
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hicks
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myke
Member
Registered: 7th Feb 01
Location: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire
User status: Offline
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it was also written by a woman so it's lies
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