leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?". "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
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The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache".
Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks,
"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
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The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.
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A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get t*ts too."
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Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.
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Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day.
The agent goes "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll ave to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a racket."
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A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come dressed as different emotions e.g. fear, happiness etc. On the night of the party, the doorbell goes, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick. They are standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says,
"Well, what the heck are you doing? You could get arrested standing out there in the street like that- but anyway what emotion are you two supposed to be?!?!" Paddy replies, "Well, Oim foikn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair!!!!"
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Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet 20 thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching!"
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