Icy
Member
Registered: 31st Jan 01
Location: Edinburgh Drives: Mk3 Golf Gti
User status: Offline
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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living s**t out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the s**t out of little kids.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies"
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Ian
Site Administrator
Registered: 28th Aug 99
Location: Liverpool
User status: Offline
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Never met him myself, he sounds a bit weak.
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CorsAsh
Member
Registered: 19th Apr 02
Location: Munich
User status: Offline
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vibrio
Banned
Registered: 28th Feb 01
Location: POAH
User status: Offline
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LMFAO
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MikeD
Member
Registered: 18th Aug 02
Location: Whittlesey, Cambridgeshire
User status: Offline
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Chuck Norris is actually a homosexual
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cossie_corsa
Member
Registered: 15th Nov 03
Location: Newport
User status: Offline
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awesme read. "fckin chuck norris"
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Nath
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: MK
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by cossie_corsa
awesme read. "fckin chuck norris"
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PaulW
Member
Registered: 26th Jan 03
Location: Atherton, Greater Manchester
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Nath
quote:
Originally posted by cossie_corsa
awesme read. "fckin chuck norris"
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Doug
Member
Registered: 8th Oct 03
User status: Offline
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One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
PMSL
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Jake
Member
Registered: 24th Jan 05
User status: Offline
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Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
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