leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".
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A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Londoner starts screaming hysterically: "My
Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Londoner finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in:
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says.
"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything
else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Londoner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The Londoner looks down in absolute horror..........
"F HELL!!!!!!" he screams........
"Where's my Rolex "
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A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes> a seat next to very attrac
tive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies,"Q's just given me a state of the art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says,"A state of the art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk telepathically."
The lady says,"Whats is it letting you know?"
"Well it says you're not wearing knickers....."
The woman giggles and replies,"Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "F-ing thing's an hour fast."
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A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"Me."
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The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the
coast of England. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.
BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid
collision
U.S.NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North,to
avoid a collision
BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.
U.S.NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
U.S.NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU
CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITISH : We are a lighthouse
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