Edd
Member
Registered: 8th Nov 04
Location: Glasgow
User status: Offline
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The Perfect Dump.
Every once in a while, everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump.
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too Many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (a.k.a. the Japanese Flag).
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. This dump makes the bowl look like Hiroshima (after the bomb), it stays with you all day stinging your ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like a japanese flag.
The Empty Roll Dump.
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only
to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face... pull up your kecks, tighten your cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll.
Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump.
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant
shock. Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump.
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can
do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump.
Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16... damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump.
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing isof the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet.
2. Drop loose change on the floor.
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.
The Cling-On Dump.
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors...
The Houdini Dump.
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes, as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in
 
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SetH
Member
Registered: 15th Jul 01
User status: Online
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urrggh i feel ill
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AJP
Member
Registered: 8th Sep 02
Location: Third roof tile on the left
User status: Offline
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it's oh so true
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CCA
Member
Registered: 6th Dec 04
Location: Somewhere Drives: Not a bloody Vauxhall!
User status: Offline
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Seen this before on here
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AJP
Member
Registered: 8th Sep 02
Location: Third roof tile on the left
User status: Offline
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my mates got a book all about different types of poo
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Blue
Member
Registered: 24th Feb 03
Location: Sideways
User status: Offline
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Hahahaha
I laughed fucking hard at those
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Jake
Member
Registered: 24th Jan 05
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Blue
Hahahaha
I laughed fucking hard at those
so hard a perfect one slid out?
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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so wrong yet so true
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Blue
Member
Registered: 24th Feb 03
Location: Sideways
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by jake
quote:
Originally posted by Blue
Hahahaha
I laughed fucking hard at those
so hard a perfect one slid out?
No, a childbirth 
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Teddy
Member
Registered: 19th Jul 04
Location: Northampton Drives: VW Bora 1.9TDi pd130
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Edd
your sphincter
Have not heard the word sphincter in years
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Jake
Member
Registered: 24th Jan 05
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Blue
quote:
Originally posted by jake
quote:
Originally posted by Blue
Hahahaha
I laughed fucking hard at those
so hard a perfect one slid out?
No, a childbirth
you must be baggy if a childbirth just slid out..
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matt10i
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 05
Location: Waterlooville, Hants
User status: Offline
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awesome
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Charlene
Member
Registered: 29th Sep 04
Location: Darlington
User status: Offline
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Offit
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Edd
Member
Registered: 8th Nov 04
Location: Glasgow
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by CCA
Seen this before on here
 not seen it
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