Ojc
Member
Registered: 14th Nov 00
Location: Reading: Drives : Clio 197
User status: Offline
|
Tourettes
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling
around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in
the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fu* *ing get in there you c* nt!' he says to himself and
goes to the bar.
'Get the fu* *ing manager of this pigs * *it middle class
w* nkhole please you c* nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The
barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help
you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of s* it, I saw your poxy
advert in the c* nting window and I'm here to audition.....w* nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his
dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big
nosed tw* t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just
j* zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c* nts blind...' 'Oh' says
the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less
"lively".
'W* nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful
ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was
called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh *t box you get cr *p
on your bell end.' 'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs
with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you
want me to split your r* ngpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care
if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the
manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are
a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not
introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F* ck it'
says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are
lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as
modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the
front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a
split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a
plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard
on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has
shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy,
so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde
approaches him.'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in
the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you
know your c* ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp *nk is dribbling
onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar
confidently,
'I f* cking wrote it!!!'
|
leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
|
Old but 
|
Ojc
Member
Registered: 14th Nov 00
Location: Reading: Drives : Clio 197
User status: Offline
|
Yeah someone else just said it was old but I've never seen it.
|
Bart
Member
Registered: 19th Aug 02
Location: Midsomer Norton, Bristol Avon
User status: Offline
|
|
Skipz
Member
Registered: 23rd Aug 03
Location: Falkirk: Drives:nothing but gettin another Corsa
User status: Offline
|
|
TNM
Member
Registered: 5th Apr 04
Location: Nottingham Drives: VW Tiguan
User status: Offline
|
long but funny
Ollie come saturday night my schpunk will be dripping out of your ass 
|
Demo
Member
Registered: 27th Sep 01
Location: south wales Drives: astra sri ecoflex
User status: Offline
|
|
Carr
Member
Registered: 1st Oct 04
Location: Leicestershire (Home) Ambleside, Lakes (Uni)
User status: Offline
|
Not heard that before
|
