chadjpr
Member
Registered: 27th Dec 02
Location: Chesterfield
User status: Offline
|
DICTIONARY FOR ARGUING WITH WOMEN
1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they
are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you
should shut up. (NEVER use "Fine" to describe how she looks. This will
cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game
is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an
even trade.
3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the
result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a
"Five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."
5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a
few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very
frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a
complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing."
7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the
moment will last a bit longer.
8. "Oh"
This word-followed by any statement-is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get
that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If
she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She
will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out
the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding
what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often
used
with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead."
Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big
trouble.
10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance
to come
up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get
yourself
into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a
"That's Okay."
11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning.
Just say "you're welcome."
12. "Thanks A Lot"
Dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud
Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be
careful not
to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
"Nothing."
********************************************************************************************
>>
>>From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated
>>that English should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to
>>assign a gender to nouns of their choice, and explain their reasons.
>>The best submissions:
>>
>>SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male.
>>Even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends
>>most of its time just opening bottles.
>>
>> TIRE -- male. It goes bald and often is over-inflated.
>>
>> HOT AIR BALLOON: male. To get it to go anywhere, you have to light a
>>fire under it.
>>
>> SPONGES -- female. They are soft and squeezable, and they retain
>>water.
>>
>> WEB PAGE -- female. It is always getting hit on.
>>
>> SHOE -- male. It is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
>>
>> COPIER -- female. Once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It is
>>an effective
>>reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. And it can wreak
>>havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
>>
>> ZIPLOC BAGS -- male.
>>They hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
>>
>> SUBWAY -- male. It uses the same old lines to pick up people.
>>
>> HOURGLASS -- female. Over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
>>
>> HAMMER -- male. It hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but
>>it's handy to have around.
>>
>> REMOTE CONTROL -- female.
>>Ha! ... You thought it would be male. But consider this: it gives man
>>pleasure; he'd be lost without it; and while he doesn't always know
>>the right buttons to push, he keeps trying and trying and trying
>
>
********************************************************************************************
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS
President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the
legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus
and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr Opus
had jumped from the top of a ten-storey building intending
to
commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his
despondency.
As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a
shotgun
blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net
had
been
installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some
building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able
to complete
his
suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to
commit
suicide
and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what
the
intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr Opus
was
shot
on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been
successful
because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel
that
he
had
a homicide on his hands.
In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast
emanated,
was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing
vigorously
and
he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that
when
he
pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets
went
through the window striking Mr Opus.
When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in
the
attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."
When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife
were
both
adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was
unloaded.
The
old
man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with
the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.
Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident;
that
is,
if
the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's
son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's
financial
support
and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that
his father
would
shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this,
he
was
guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the
trigger.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for
the
death
of
Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald
Opus.
He
had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his
attempt
to
engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten
story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun
blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had
actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed
the
case as a suicide
(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt
Westervelt)
********************************************************************************************
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a
British Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95.
Radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid
collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North,
to
avoid collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the
South to avoid collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert
YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND
LARGEST
SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15
DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY
OF
THIS
SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
|
