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Author Tuned my car the 20valver way.
Limecat
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Registered: 25th Jun 05
Location: The Internet
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27th Sep 08 at 01:12   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

quote:
Originally posted by 20valver
so you shag under age birds then


If you have a daughter then feel free to pass her number over if you are touting for business?
DannyB
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Registered: 6th Feb 08
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27th Sep 08 at 01:12   View Garage View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

If you look, old timer, it says who originally posted that comment, as a joke i may add.
20valver
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Registered: 14th Sep 08
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27th Sep 08 at 01:47   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

quote:
Originally posted by LETGSI16V
Well, my car has been really sluggish ever since I bought it so after being inspired by 20valvers posts I decided it was time that I did something about it; it was time to tune the bollocks off it.

The process for this was quite simple, start with the most power sapping thing on the whole car - no, not the ashtray or the MFD but the airbox!

So, there are some obvious things that we have to do here to make sure that we get the results we are expecting. We must be very thorough in our execution, we must use the cheapest things know to man so that it is financially viable and we must throw in lots of big words in the write up so as to appear knowledgeable and make people think we have been tuning bikes for years...

So, take your standard airbox and release the clips, we are going to take it apart because Vauxhall trap the power in there from the factory. These clips are to stop it escaping.


Now we need to bin this air filter, after all it is only to catch particles of plutonium so it doesn't cause our engines to explode.


Now we can see the inside of the airbox, soon we can release all the power but this is the dangerous part because when we release the power from the airbox it will alert to power gods of our intentions.


Undeterred I carried on, however I would need the help of a true tuning god in order to make my escape from the power gods. I was in a pickle, there was no-one I could call on, I went down to see JamieD and just as I did my prayers were answered; 20valver phoned for his daily chat and offered his services. So we were all set to go, I released the tube inside the box and as soon as it came away from it's seat (luckily it had been siliconed in place so it would come apart easily ) the alarms sounded. I froze with fear, I have just obtained immeasurable knowledge and the tuning gods were approaching, from the darkness 20valver made his escape - even being composed enough to take his airbox modifying tool with him.




I sneaked out in the opposite direction, grateful of the diversion created by 20valver. The heartache of losing this knowledge was too much for one of the power gods to take, but reading some of 20valvers posts pushed him over the edge, he had no choice but turn his gun on himself and end it all...



Having escaped from the maximum security stockade, we headed for the Los Angeles underground. We are still wanted by the power gods so have to survive as tuners of misfortune.

In our secret location we carried on releasing the power from the airbox, now derestricted we were on our way.


We knew that we had to smooth the airbox to get all that lovely power but it was too dangerous to buy some filler so we had to make do with parcel tape.


The top needed some of the same. The box also needed sealing but I dropped the copper grease whilst making my escape. This was turning into a disaster until I improvised with some extra virgin olive oil.


Before;


Smoothed and sealed;


Now we had to test it, remember you test, evaluate and re-test.


A quick drive around the block showed we had loads of extra hypoglycaemic air particles going into our airbox, this is perfect - just what we want. Only problem is that all the extra air particles meant we are now running leaner. We needed to supply more fuel.

With one charcoal lump added the car noticeably improved but the time and date settings on the MFD showed that we were still not running at proper warp power. We added 1mm to the timing and still no difference to the readings.


A bit more experimentation soon found us passing through 2 and then 3 coal pieces to reach our desired result.



The car was flying now and fuelling perfectly, the only problem we had is that the door cards started to rattle, this was an indication that the air coming in wasn't wet enough. 20valver told me of his old water wetting trick, apparently as a cucumber is 90% water that would sort it - I am amazed just what you can do with a simple old airbox.

Problem again - no bastard cucumbers. Thank the lord for the red bell pepper, onion and carrot though.


A final run showed that the car would now do 128MPH, previously it only did 60. This airbox malarkey is certainly worth endangering my health for.

The finished product...






we must throw in lots of big words in the write up so as to appear knowledgeable and make people think we have been tuning bikes for years...
1 airbox
2 performance filter
3 spacer tube
4 air corrector kit
5 open out reed stops
6 performance reeds
7 port reed block entrance
7a port reed block windows
8 inlet port open 360 degrees then reed valve stops and starts flow
9 drop the main inlet port down
10 lift the top of the inlet port up
11 line up transfer entrances to crank cases and base gaskets
12 widen the exhaust port
13 make exhaust port higher
14 flat and polish piston crown/ combustion chamber, exhaust port
15 set squish to just under 1mm
16 get squish angle re cut 10/12 angle
17 blend power valve spool to exhaust chamber
18 port exhaust port chamber to the inside of exhaust header flange
19 bigger carbs
20 taper port front of carb
21 racing spark plugs
22 non resistor spark plug cap
23 add base gaskets to lift of or lower barrel
24 expansion chambers short end can peaky motor long end can wider spread of power
20valver
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Registered: 14th Sep 08
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27th Sep 08 at 01:54   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

quote:
Originally posted by 20valver
quote:
Originally posted by LETGSI16V
Well, my car has been really sluggish ever since I bought it so after being inspired by 20valvers posts I decided it was time that I did something about it; it was time to tune the bollocks off it.

The process for this was quite simple, start with the most power sapping thing on the whole car - no, not the ashtray or the MFD but the airbox!

So, there are some obvious things that we have to do here to make sure that we get the results we are expecting. We must be very thorough in our execution, we must use the cheapest things know to man so that it is financially viable and we must throw in lots of big words in the write up so as to appear knowledgeable and make people think we have been tuning bikes for years...

So, take your standard airbox and release the clips, we are going to take it apart because Vauxhall trap the power in there from the factory. These clips are to stop it escaping.


Now we need to bin this air filter, after all it is only to catch particles of plutonium so it doesn't cause our engines to explode.


Now we can see the inside of the airbox, soon we can release all the power but this is the dangerous part because when we release the power from the airbox it will alert to power gods of our intentions.


Undeterred I carried on, however I would need the help of a true tuning god in order to make my escape from the power gods. I was in a pickle, there was no-one I could call on, I went down to see JamieD and just as I did my prayers were answered; 20valver phoned for his daily chat and offered his services. So we were all set to go, I released the tube inside the box and as soon as it came away from it's seat (luckily it had been siliconed in place so it would come apart easily ) the alarms sounded. I froze with fear, I have just obtained immeasurable knowledge and the tuning gods were approaching, from the darkness 20valver made his escape - even being composed enough to take his airbox modifying tool with him.




I sneaked out in the opposite direction, grateful of the diversion created by 20valver. The heartache of losing this knowledge was too much for one of the power gods to take, but reading some of 20valvers posts pushed him over the edge, he had no choice but turn his gun on himself and end it all...



Having escaped from the maximum security stockade, we headed for the Los Angeles underground. We are still wanted by the power gods so have to survive as tuners of misfortune.

In our secret location we carried on releasing the power from the airbox, now derestricted we were on our way.


We knew that we had to smooth the airbox to get all that lovely power but it was too dangerous to buy some filler so we had to make do with parcel tape.


The top needed some of the same. The box also needed sealing but I dropped the copper grease whilst making my escape. This was turning into a disaster until I improvised with some extra virgin olive oil.


Before;


Smoothed and sealed;


Now we had to test it, remember you test, evaluate and re-test.


A quick drive around the block showed we had loads of extra hypoglycaemic air particles going into our airbox, this is perfect - just what we want. Only problem is that all the extra air particles meant we are now running leaner. We needed to supply more fuel.

With one charcoal lump added the car noticeably improved but the time and date settings on the MFD showed that we were still not running at proper warp power. We added 1mm to the timing and still no difference to the readings.


A bit more experimentation soon found us passing through 2 and then 3 coal pieces to reach our desired result.



The car was flying now and fuelling perfectly, the only problem we had is that the door cards started to rattle, this was an indication that the air coming in wasn't wet enough. 20valver told me of his old water wetting trick, apparently as a cucumber is 90% water that would sort it - I am amazed just what you can do with a simple old airbox.

Problem again - no bastard cucumbers. Thank the lord for the red bell pepper, onion and carrot though.


A final run showed that the car would now do 128MPH, previously it only did 60. This airbox malarkey is certainly worth endangering my health for.

The finished product...






we must throw in lots of big words in the write up so as to appear knowledgeable and make people think we have been tuning bikes for years...
1 set squish to 0.75mm to 0.97mm
2 32mm carb
3 taper port front of carb
4 open out the reed stops = more lift on reeds
5 port reed block entrance and the windows
6 use a spacer tube and filter
7 drop main inlet port down and lift up main inlet port
8 make main inlet port wider
9 drop the 2 little booster ports down the ones either side of the main inlet port
10 make the 2 little booster ports wider the ones either side of the main inlet port
11 re profile scavenger entrances
13 lift up transfer ports so they all open and close together
14 make transfer ports wider
15 match crank case mouth to scavenger entrances
16 line up back of crank case with inlet port
17 enlarge main bearing oil feed ways
18 lift up exhaust port
19 make exhaust port wider
20 use a racing spark plug and plug cap
21 run on pre mix
22 flat and polish combustion chamber in cylinder head
23 flat and polish piston crown and exhaust port if needed
24 get the squish recut to a 10 degree angle
25 profile rubber inlet manifold for size of carb
26 run a tzr piston kit
27 use more base gaskets when using a tzr piston kit
28 get top of barrel skimmed when using a tzr piston kit
29 profile the rear of the tzr piston on the inlet side
30 get big end crank pin welded this is to stop the crank twisting in the fly wheel webs
31 when using a tuned barrel you will need to change rings and pistons more
then you get reliability
32 use a fully synthetic racing oil
33 open out the inlet side of the barrel where the reed block goes then you get even more lift on the reed stops on the reed block
:
Gibbon
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Registered: 16th Jul 07
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27th Sep 08 at 01:57   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

But here's the real question;

"who cares about bikes"?
Limecat
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27th Sep 08 at 01:58   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

OMFGWTFBBQ, you can use google!?! Now you just need to learn how to quote the part thats relevant to what you are posting and more so, make what you are posting relevant.
Matt L
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27th Sep 08 at 07:52   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

FUCKING LOL!! the last 2 pages are funnier than the first
willay
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Organiser: South East, National Events
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27th Sep 08 at 08:04   View Garage View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

best post ever, can we make this a sticky?
Sandsy
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Registered: 29th Oct 04
Location: Tilney All Saints Drives: V6 Corsa
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27th Sep 08 at 08:15   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

20valver... what a cock
Matt H
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Location: South Yorkshire
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27th Sep 08 at 08:28   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

Amazing

This guy is a complete fucking idiot, I've even tried telling him but he's too stupid to digest any information
Ryan
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Registered: 23rd Jun 08
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27th Sep 08 at 09:56   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

why the fuck doe he keep going on about tuning bikes for years??

whats that got to do with anything?lol


Tommy L
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Registered: 21st Aug 06
Location: Northampton Drives: Audi wagon
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27th Sep 08 at 10:23   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

quote:
Originally posted by Danny_v6
If you look, old timer, it says who originally posted that comment, as a joke i may add.
a joke i never mentioned it was a joke

[Edited on 27-09-2008 by corsa_tomtom]
barneykarl
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Location: Stevenage
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27th Sep 08 at 10:42   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

That was classic.
Mark1984_SRI
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Registered: 7th Feb 06
Location: Preston
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27th Sep 08 at 10:55   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

Haven't been on here for a while, but this has really made me smile.

Thankyou corsasport
Lynny
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Registered: 3rd Jan 03
Location: oop north! Where people talk properly
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27th Sep 08 at 13:18   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

quote:
Originally posted by LETGSI16V


It is like comparing a fleece jacket to a fucking BLT sandwich.





i fpmsl at this
Russ
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27th Sep 08 at 13:21   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

LOL @ this thread
DannyB
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27th Sep 08 at 13:41   View Garage View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

Quotinghugereplieswithtonsofimages ftl.
CopyWrite
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Location: South Walez
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27th Sep 08 at 20:12   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

quote:
Originally posted by Matt L
FUCKING LOL!! the last 2 pages are funnier than the first


Can't pick any holes in that statement!
Limecat
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Registered: 25th Jun 05
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27th Sep 08 at 20:19   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

As long as we are laughing at him, thats fine by me.

He hasn't been on for a few hours, hopefully he has engorged a big black dong and choked on the sperm?
Chris F
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Organiser: East Anglia
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27th Sep 08 at 20:26   View Garage View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

Can u do me a Tuturial on how to mod my X14XE please?
av it
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27th Sep 08 at 22:37   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

i think he caught site of that bottle of oil tbh and that has scared him lol
PURE QUALITY PLEASE KEEP THIS GOING !!!
Jules
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28th Sep 08 at 08:15   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

Pro thread - honoured to be posting in it
gazzamec
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28th Sep 08 at 13:21   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

as the topic you brought up in VayxSport was locked i dont see it fit to pass comment there as you will have no means to reply.

jekyll
fdrightup
corsa boi
20valver

whatever the feck you wanna call yourself, what is the purpose of you posting about bikes?? what is the purpose of a corsa website??

seriously go down to jamies workshop and talk to him lmao lmao (only jokin wouldnt wish that on the poor guy)

or a better structured reply

Wayne = LEGEND
Robin
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28th Sep 08 at 13:30   View Garage View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

He'll probably turn up at my work as he can't comprehend there being more than one Jamie in Northampton who knows something about cars.
20valver
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28th Sep 08 at 14:56   View User's Profile U2U Member Reply With Quote

quote:
Originally posted by gazzamec
as the topic you brought up in VayxSport was locked i dont see it fit to pass comment there as you will have no means to reply.

jekyll = right user name
fdrightup = right user name
corsa boi = no wrong
20valver = right user name

whatever the feck you wanna call yourself, what is the purpose of you posting about bikes?? what is the purpose of a corsa website??

seriously go down to jamies workshop and talk to him lmao lmao (only jokin wouldnt wish that on the poor guy)

or a better structured reply

Wayne = LEGEND


also you are a troll baiter from vxon forum along with your mate siraff from the vxon,
oh yer tell siraff he is a narrow minded and he thinks he is a doctor and tell him come to see me then, and ho yer i still have the conversation from the vxon forum thread called tuning 1.2 16 valve


[Edited on 28-09-2008 by 20valver]

[Edited on 28-09-2008 by 20valver]

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